School work's piling up in heaps. And it doesn't stop there. Deadlines for Sunny Side Up, the academic modules, and the Acad. Society are all drawing near. Workloads are just so exciting to carry along with you; not.

I love to keep myself busy. A bad habit I haven't been able to rid since young. Felt like this was a good way to prove myself to the people around me - that I was working hard.

And I really was.

Thought my friends would be happy for me. Thought my parents would be proud of me. But it looks like my plans backfired.

I thought this year would be just as fun as the last, but I think I got that wrong. Friends walk in and out of your life. And now? I see some walking out already. Or maybe, I'm taking steps back from them.

Now I feel afraid. People change so fast. Sometimes, I become more afraid when people tell me that I've changed. It's scary not to know yourself. Not knowing you've morphed into something you don't recognize.

Then suddenly, no one seems to be sincere. Like as if I were a freak. Talking starts to turn frightening - a time where hints were dropped and picked up with great sensitivity. Words used with caution, eye contact held sternly whilst maintaining a smile. No one knows what really happens deep down any longer.

Friends suddenly fade into my surroundings, all dull and grey. No one hears me. No one talks to me. No one understands me anymore. I can't catch my breath. I can't think right. I can't hear them. I can't understand them anymore. Are we still friends when we lack that emotional connection?

I understand the concept - it takes 2 hands to clap. Causation and effect.
I can't seem to figure how my friends can all cause this to happen at a go. Conclusion? I caused it all.

It hurts to know that truth. It hurts even more to know that I've dug a hole too deep to cover. All I can do is jump into it and treat it as my grave.

Expectations, expectations, and more expectations. I'm raising the bar for myself everyday, and I lack the resources to reach them. I need support. And I'm breaking down within.

My head's been hurting since Friday; and nothing's helping. Panadols, Tonics, Herbs, Love, Care and Concern. I'm just so immune to all that. I probably need to experience death once to appreciate the joy of living.

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.