i don't know why i would speak up for you.
but somehow.
i felt you were hurt the most.
i believe no one has managed to touch your heart;
and i believe you had your pain and sorrows.
probably because all 3 of us were in the same situation.
and i have no reason to doubt that you felt what i felt too.
maybe you had a stronger sense of loss.
since you have seen more of this world than me.
yet,
i'm sorry.
i know. but i can't bear to dig up all these just to let you know i care.
because my concern could be more than just unbearable for you.
i'm terribly sorry i realised only now.
but all i hope is that you could one day,
open up your heart to all of us again.
and i know it'll be just a matter of time.
=)


and while debating.
i found out how horridly i was used in fits my parents had.
it was like a game of monopoly.
the richest wins.
the poorest loses.
i'm just something that could aid my mum against my dad.
and something that could spite my mum by my dad.
someone that was forced to go out with my dad no matter how tired i was.
someone that was persuaded day after day to side with one.
someone that was used as a sacrificial chess piece to win the game.
someone who felt lousy and pathetic after knowing all of these.
i don't know what to do after hearing all of these.
i don't even know what sparked my mum to tell me all of these.
all i know is that,
she actually said she had a pleasant payback trial.
and a rather easy one in fact.

maybe i felt horrid too.
and i am feeling horrid now.
but at least i'm sure i made a right choice.

all this made me think whether every adult in my life at that point of time was speaking the truth.
whether they were giving me true advice that was objective and beneficial to me.
whether they carried any motive when trying to care for me.
whether they held the slightest bit of hatred for my family when they spoke to me.
whether i was just something they had to conquer to help win the whole war.

i'm tired.
and how i wish it would stop pounding me so hard.
so much so that i feel suffocated.
=(

=D
what a fun day.
hahas.
even though it was a little painful for theresa.
hooray-
but we must take neoprints together okay!
=)
visit the zoo.
visit the night safari.
play in wild wild wet.
we must accomplish and conquer!
before we ever have to face the whiteboard again.
=x

hahh...
sotong balls rock.
as in the flavoured corn snack.
especially when you're really hungry.
;)

thought of posting again.
=)

i just watched Princess Hours Special Episode 1.5 ;
it was absolutely hilarious.
OK.
i'm lame.
i'm actually advertising it.
YES.

GO WATCH - its worth your shot.

=D

its amazing huh.
another school semester just blew past.
no matter how hard a test seemed ;
or how difficult it was to live life with a little disappointment.
its all over.
=D
i really wonder if my true purpose of attending school was to study.
or was it to fufil my other motives.
whatever the case.
it feels good to proclaim the holidays once again.
at least i know,
i've done my part in studying!

poof.
i suddenly realised how much i've deproved in my determination.
it never used to be like this.
i cannot be as insisting as i was a few years back.
neither can i summon the strength to stand up for what i felt was right.
all i can do now with my six sense is lock it up within me and tell myself i don't know anything when i can feel it happening.
what a funny world this is to me, suddenly.
when words seem so hard to come out no matter how articulate you may be,
and when sincerity is never found out.

come to think of it.
all of this dont seem to matter any longer.

im a little tired these days.
apart from all the runaway plans i've been scheming,
i've been sleeping late.
waking up early.
so i got a little irritable.
i guess its because of the lack of sleep.
oh well.
=)
and now.
i've been looking for a book; utopia.
its a novel i suppose.
but i don't know which genre it belongs to.
so i guess i'll have pretty much of a hard time finding it.

tomorrow is going to be another tiring day.
and i think i need to steel myself to survive it.
hahahs.

조는사랑주서요.

i wonder when it all started.
from which breath i took or which tune i heard.
i started feeling hurt.
realising how much i'v ignored to make myself feel better.
ignorance gave me bliss.
yet it was somewhat shortlived.
ignorance led to misunderstanding of arrogance.
its not that i purposely pushed away all that was happening around me.
but i just felt i couldnt have handled it better.
but after a year.
its all back again.
i still have to face it.
and i know i'm in no better situation than i was a year ago.
i wished i was older to share your woes.
but right now,
i can't take it anymore.
i cannot ignore it like how i use to.
yet i can't do anything else.
just sit there and hear you pour out your sorrows.
burying me with secrets i do not wish to know.
i'm sorry i'm selfish.
but i really can't take it anymore.
really.

today is my grandmother's death anniversary.
whenever someone mentions 'death'; it usually means grief and heartache.
but to me.
my grandmother's death was an honourable one that is not worth grieving for.
she has lived a prosperous and fufilling life.
and has earned the love and respect if all of us i guess.
especially from the amount of flowers she receive everytime a festival arrives.
it all shows how much we remember her huh.
hahas.
like today, as always.
she has received loads of orchids.
i guess she probably has a pretty relaxing afterlife.
my uncle and aunt's urns are just beside hers.
neighbours in the underworld.
=)
yupps.
and we decided to visit the zoo every year after visiting her in the crematorium in the morning.
and we started this year.
hahahs.
a rash decision.
but worth the while.
it was quite fun going to the zoo.
especially today when it was rather cooling and not scorching hot.
we spent about 2 hours there or more and then went back.
well.
my grandmother had a fufilling life.
and we; had a fufiling day.
=)

i wonder when the last time was when i successfully opened up an internet explorer program-
my computer shut itself down on me at a particularly precise time.
just before my exams.
hahs;
and now i've got it fixed. yet again.
the man that serviced my computer said i had to many spyware in my computer that obstructed my surfing of the net.
but what can i do huh.
lols.
i'm quite delighted anyway.
because of this little tragedy that befalled my computer.
i managed to cut down on one distraction that could have pulled my grades down.
=)
as the new year comes creeping up on us again,
theres stil so much to do and prepare before this year comes to an end.
so much to do.
so little time.
and to my greatest surprise.
its this time of the year.
the time which i have been longing for.
but yet, somehow.
it wasnt how i wanted it to be.
somehow.
i thought the situation would be much different than it would be now.
very much different.
=)

i stumbled upon a book this morning at my aunt's place.
the rape of nanking.
preferably. you would refer to nanking as modern day nanjing.
but iris chang chose to use american spelling.
well. well.
what so interesting abt this book?
iris chang got depression after interviewing the eye witnesses of the 'rape' and commited suicide after completing her second book.
quite freaky.
and the pictures of the massacre was terrifying.
dead bodies.
men beheaded.
wmen raped and tortured.
children's corpse in a pile.
men'd head in a row.
ughhh-
japan and their ruthless ways of torture.
of course im just referring to the soldiers during the sino-japanese war.
honestly,
you might scream an oh-my-god when you read the book.
the pictures are really horrifying.
lets upload some here yar.

children in a heap. of course. they're DEAD.

and a woman who got bayoneted alot of times.
her intestines are showing.

and another who got raped and left behind. shes dead too.

and the men. use for bayonet practice.
some were also beheaded when the japanese soldiers went on a killing spree to see who could kill a 100 men first.
how sick.
ughhhh-
and yes.
i do hope you have eaten before you came here.
wishing everyone a happy children's day.
=)

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.