Well, maybe its because I'm distressed. But I know I'm not. All I know is, I'm blogging out of utter rashness.

I'm not angry. Neither am I upset. I'm just feeling blank. Whatever I'm doing, is whatever my heart tells me to.

Right now, I want to tell the whole wide world, that I'm willing to be the one that suffers. Suffer what? Everything. (: Because it hurts so much more to let someone close to you feel the pain, when you could have bore it yourself.

Just one day after I've made a promise to myself, to be a better friend. I failed it.

I've failed as a friend, to my mother.
I've failed as a friend, to my sister.
I've failed as a friend, to my boyfriend.

As a daughter, I have made her worry, time and again. Made her feel insecure. Made her doubt. Made her upset. Made her mad.
It a was simple task. All I had to do was tell her where I was, who I was with, what I was doing.
But I was rebellious, I wanted my 'oh-so-important' privacy. I rejected her calls. I made up excuses. I made her worry again.

My sister, needed encouragement, time and again. Yet I always thought the way to go was to tell her how she could do better, how she could improve, or how she could have achieved more. She always gave me a frown, and she kept quiet.
Now when I thought about it, I realized I was wrong. The encouragement she needed was not how she could have done better, but the recognition of the effort she has put in to achieve what she thought has done her proud.
But I was negligent. I put her down. I brushed her aside. I discouraged her again.

I was the most fortunate girl on earth, with Gary always by my side. He is on attachment, and I'm on holiday. I realized I have all the time on earth to do all that I've wanted. And I started to take him for granted.
I receive a sweet message, and I thought to myself: I'll reply later.
I hear him cough on the phone, and I thought to myself: Should I get him a drink? Nah, he might not like it.
I realize he's yawning after work and he wants to go for supper, and I thought to myself: Should I get him home instead? Nah, I'm hungry.
All I had to do was listen to my heart, love him a little more and show him a little more affection.
But I didn't. I shut my heart up. I became selfish. I took him for granted again.


Well, I guess I have to wake up from my little dream. It takes two hands to clap. I should have realized a long time back that I cause such things to occur, too.
My mother wouldn't go mad if I weren't so rebellious.
My sister would be more confident if I were more understanding.
My boyfriend would feel more loved if I had been more selfless.

Well. I've been smiling away like a dongdong in dismay. Sylvia, its time to be a better friend.

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.