Don't know how I dug so deep, I uncovered a stash of hidden memories just at the back of my head. So tightly wrapped, so well disguised. Unpacking it felt surreal - the emotions and memories, those deeds were still fresh. They still prick and the emotions still sting. But maybe its fortunate for me to say that it didn't hurt as much as before.

I remember the days of oppression. The days where lies, love, friendship and immaturity reigned. The scar that it left on me - I guess its still there. It never left. Never healed. Never got bigger. Never went smaller. The betrayal. The rejection. The hurtful words. The sneering cuts. The painful rebellion.

Those days left me paranoid. They would never know how much they meant to me. Never know how much they've hurt me. And now they've moved on. Maybe its time I did too. Forgiven much. Those barriers have been removed. Forgotten are those times of hurt and sorrow. Or maybe it was only me that felt the hurt. Over-dependence. The fragile inkling of hope that diminished with an ignorant act. Maybe I expected too much of a friendship then at that age. But it cracked me. I guess I wasn't prepped up for that. Not in the right mind. Not in the right state. Didn't have that capability to take it out of the blue.

It's been years since then. Never knew how I kept it so well. All I know from them - was that it was just a typical joke on their part. One with much collaborative effort. A decision made based on hasty emotions. It saddens me more. Frightens me more.

I couldn't ask for more at that time - because I was still blessed with the people whom I still adore so much today. I just couldn't have everything in my favor before things could happen. They just do I guess. The way they're supposed to. And more than ever, I'd blame myself for this sheer lack in courage and strength - to let this come to pass.

I'm picking up pieces again. I feel the shards already. Its pricking me again - as if warning me of a repeat in history. The collaborative effort. The betrayal. The typical hurtful joke they could play. It explained my attitude towards friendships. It explained the emotions I carry and the straight perceptions, denials, paranoia and fear I have for the people I face each day.

I felt the same thing flash through my mind. Characters now fitting the roles then. The possibility of the repeat just haunts me every second I spend with them. Getting over paranoid. Surpressing emotions. It seems like there's no one else to turn to in this time of need, again.
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Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.