Something I stumbled upon a few minutes back kept me thinking. A quote from an English writer, Cyril Connolly.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Have I been writing in view of the opinions that the public might have of me after reading, or have I been scribbling true thoughts that regards nothing more than that of my own opinions? Have I lost myself in a bid to satisfy the world's perception and expectations of me?

Been struggling pretty much with myself recently. My lack of judgement. My consistently malfunctioning brain. My screwed up emotions. My indecisiveness. My escape routes just get longer and longer each day. So I keep digging in the wrong hole. Keep moving forward in the wrong direction. But who am I again to determine what's wrong and right?

Dwelling too much on how every little action of mine would cause certain reactions from the people around me. Then I start to focus too much on reacting to such reactions that I forget how I even derived the basic need to act on my own accord. What happened to wants and needs - when did I start to classify everything that I wanted as a selfish thought? How foolish.

So what if I were stressing upon every decision I make right now. Would I remember all these in the days ahead? Would it matter in the months to come? Occasionally I would pause to ponder about all the consequences that I may face with each decision I make. And no matter how small it was, I needed to be sure that I was making one with complete confidence and that it would lead to a favorable outcome. But somehow or another, I became less and less confident of the decisions I were to make. Was I becoming dumber to make wiser decisions? Or what?

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.