i've been going through alot of stress recently.
SYF, tests, family, and just myself.

starting from SYF day: 11-o4-2oo7 ;
i wasn't exactly afraid of performing on-stage.
i don't have stage fright.
and since im with so many of my peers performing for a small audience(compared to the crowd that appeared for con fuoco),
i don't see why i should shiver.
yet somehow,
i lacked the confidence.
and just minutes before entering the hall,
i've already forgotten half of the piece, how it should sound like and the notes.
=/
before setting off in school,
i pitched the high G.
in the tuning room,
i couldn't and i was in despair.
with debbie's encouragment, i stood up and told myself i would.
then at the very last,
i still couldn't.
SAY HALLELUJAH.
it was really disappointing for me ;
really.
instead of only being concerned with the intonation since i've already memorised the score,
i was busy calming myself down mentally and to regain confidence.
how selfish is that.
=|
i fumbled during sunrise,
unfortunately.
did better during the choice piece when everyone was much more confident and together.
=)
felt it touch my heart.
=D
the silver wasn't really disappointing to me.
i don't know why either.
i just ... didn't feel the impact.
kept smiling and was really cheerful after the announcement of results.
in fact. i felt really relieved.
cheer up NCWO! we'll do better in years to come!
=D

my schedule was then immediately packed with remedials and weekend lessons.
add in the specific time slots designated for me to fetch my sister.
moving over to my aunt's house was an added plus.
at least she does not stress me as much as my mum did, and wouldn't impose strict curfews on me.
i had some problems adjusting my body alarm and getting used to sleeping early.
but still i adpated quite fast.
=D
im not dozing off in class as much now.
i realised that falling asleep in class is a bad habit.
not something i cannot control but because i got used to it since secondary 3.
i choose specific lessons to sleep in.
=D
bad habit. hahahs.

my decision of moving over to my aunt's house till O levels are over has brought about a series of misunderstandings and quarrels in the family.
my mum fell out with me.
my mum fell out with my dad.
my mum fell out with my aunt.
=(
then she blames for everything that goes wrong.
alright.
i'm stuck between my aunt and my mum.
i love them both.
can't they understand this?
....

and finally me.
a section i have most to say about.
since im me!
=)
(obviously)
it was on many occasions i guess.
times when i just lost control of my emotions and started spouting nonsense or going totally emo.
i think i fit into the ms teo's criteria of being egocentric sometimes.
i lose my confidence easily too.
just falling right into a state of depression the moment i feel pressured.
perhaps im just being oversensitive.
i simply cannot find myself.
so instead of freaking out, the best way to compose myself was to chitter chatter or simply shut up.
weird behavioural patterns.
at the sports hall,
i was in a dilenma.
between choosing to stay within my comfort zone in front of the track,
or go out there to challenge myself in the face of other opponents.
honestly, i was a total coward.
i still had to make a few strolls along the track, visit the toilet to face myself, and getting theresa to accompany me before plucking enough courage to report to the teacher in charge.
thanks to theresa's encouragement, i wasn't really nervous.
as i sat there,
the superstition that it was friday the 13th,
kept hitting me.
i imagined me running and falling over.
i imagined me running into another competitor's track.
i imagined me losing the race.
all these frightened me very much.
until the vp announced that the sports meet was to be postponed;
i heaved a huge sign of relief.
i actually felt relieved that i could run away from what i feared to face.
oh well.
...

stress stress.
where are my stars when i need them.
=|

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.