Well. Marketing paper today was pretty cool. And I came out of the room feeling like it was already the end of exams - ok , maybe not.

Mum told me that I was too stubborn, and that I was only living in my self constructed world all along. She put it across quite firmly without flaring up (after much practice) - and so I took it in quite seriously too.
She mentioned that I only take in what I Want to hear. And nothing of what I dislike, don't want to hear, or don't feel like hearing.
Then she said: "Even if you hear it, you will just reject stuff you refuse to believe in."
And that's just it.

I guess that summarizes quite a bit. Simply put - I'm obstinate. TTM.
(Like seriously, how did I become like that. Ever since what?
Or actually, that is what I've been asking myself all night long, ever since she asked me that question.)

Ever since I chose to live in self deception? Since I lied to myself? Or have I actually changed altogether that this obstinacy has become permanent.
I can't have that - or have I always been like that.
Ah, such questions are often hard to answer.

But now, I'm searching for an answer to one question that I posed to myself. I haven't found the answer. And even though I have received many possible answers, I couldn't convince myself that they were right.

So here's out the question came about:
Everyone's telling me one side of MY story that I have never encountered in my life. And I have all along been so confident in pushing down such ideas and comments when they come along, and taking them into my stride - brushing them off only as gestures of concern.
But that confidence is waning. I'm pretty sure it is.
See, when the whole world is telling you a certain truth and only you believe in a self composed tale, then maybe the truth really is reality, and the tale is just a fantasy. Simply put - maybe I HAVE to face up to reality; even if it hurts.

So am I really deceiving myself? - that everything is alright, and will be alright? Am I believing in just a fairytale I blew up? - or is the world trying to deceive me?
The answer may seem so possible and obvious to almost all of you, but well, currently, I know the possible answer too.
Problem is, I can't convince myself to face it yet.
Probably because I need to learn it the hard way, or maybe, I need to grow up.

Ah, I feel pretty naive now.


I'm really frustrated at how I actually took certain things so lightly that I lost opportunities. Many opportunities.
I'm so eager to go out right now and just let loose and go crazy. I want to try something different. Something that can show me the other side of the world. Something extraordinary. But it's never so simple eh. And I don't have that capability to conjour such a reality.

I think I really need to be more eager to live. Just today I realise again, that there are so many other less fortunate people out there who desire a life just like mine - to have proper education, a proper house, food, and friends. And I'm busy sulking and finding ways to waste my life away. What a sucker - I know right.

So yeah. I'm gonna work hard now. I'm gonna make sure I make my life rock harder than everyone else - or at least I'll give it my best shot.

Now: I have to determine a couple of things: my break up point, my break down point, and my ultimate goal in life.

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.