OK.
basically, i've come up with certain goals to achieve in the short run.
-to remain composed in every situation put into.
-to study.
-to take in stride what may or may not come by.

that's... it.

i seem to always lose my composure the moment i detect the slightest form of agitation and fury within myself these days.
yes- do take note.
it's - these days.
ever since... June.
its amazing how i managed to notice this change internally.
that ever fluctuating mood.
and it's getting from bad to worse.
my anger management- is ZILK.
i tend to blow up.
especially since my tolerance level is SERIOUSLY thin.
as compared to months before.
and i have revealed much of my evil-est side.
LOL. and i confess.
i know i can be worse than that;
should i erupt.
erupting and blowing up is 2 different things.
but nothing should trigger an eruption.
unless you offend me.
(and to prevent any offensive sort of action against me, i've decided never to reveal what will offend me, or which will trigger an aggressive reaction from me.)
but here's this little thing i know about myself. (that i also feel safe revealing)
if you cross my line. and still keep walking. be it deliberate or unintentional.
i'll destroy you.
crush you from within.
words can kill.
and i kill with words.
but yeah,
apart from that.
i think i need to regain that tolerance level.
and i know it wouldn't be that hard.


studying. is fundamental.
especially when i'm trying to survive in an environment with thriving geniuses.
pitting my intelligence against theirs is just utterly... tiresome.
but honestly, the kind of satisfaction you get when you achieve something.
that feeling is just, great.
intrinsic motivation just sets in,
and you will strive to do even better than before.
so yea,
study.
get into one of those subsidized positions in the 4 publicly funded universities in Singapore.
and strive to do my family proud. (even though my parents don't seem to take pride in grades. -.-)

taking things into stride is.. significant.
you become more optimistic.
then the sky appears blue.
and you feel cheery.
then the world becomes a brighter and more beautiful.
:D





with hind sight,
i knew i had it coming all along.
all that bottled up rage and discontentment.
it was just a matter of time before i snapped.
and it was a fortunate thing,
that i cracked up w/o her being near by.
or it would have been a direct hit.
and the damage and consequences might be severe.
but i really meant every word i said.
and my intention at that point was to do harm.
i know i made sense. and reasons still stand true.
i guess i have cooled down from that day's events.
but i know it would just take a spark to cause yet another cross fire again.

ugh-
i'll just accomplish my short term goals.
and everything should fall into place.
(:

the number with a start. a middle. and an end.
(:

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.