i don't know why i would speak up for you.
but somehow.
i felt you were hurt the most.
i believe no one has managed to touch your heart;
and i believe you had your pain and sorrows.
probably because all 3 of us were in the same situation.
and i have no reason to doubt that you felt what i felt too.
maybe you had a stronger sense of loss.
since you have seen more of this world than me.
yet,
i'm sorry.
i know. but i can't bear to dig up all these just to let you know i care.
because my concern could be more than just unbearable for you.
i'm terribly sorry i realised only now.
but all i hope is that you could one day,
open up your heart to all of us again.
and i know it'll be just a matter of time.
=)


and while debating.
i found out how horridly i was used in fits my parents had.
it was like a game of monopoly.
the richest wins.
the poorest loses.
i'm just something that could aid my mum against my dad.
and something that could spite my mum by my dad.
someone that was forced to go out with my dad no matter how tired i was.
someone that was persuaded day after day to side with one.
someone that was used as a sacrificial chess piece to win the game.
someone who felt lousy and pathetic after knowing all of these.
i don't know what to do after hearing all of these.
i don't even know what sparked my mum to tell me all of these.
all i know is that,
she actually said she had a pleasant payback trial.
and a rather easy one in fact.

maybe i felt horrid too.
and i am feeling horrid now.
but at least i'm sure i made a right choice.

all this made me think whether every adult in my life at that point of time was speaking the truth.
whether they were giving me true advice that was objective and beneficial to me.
whether they carried any motive when trying to care for me.
whether they held the slightest bit of hatred for my family when they spoke to me.
whether i was just something they had to conquer to help win the whole war.

i'm tired.
and how i wish it would stop pounding me so hard.
so much so that i feel suffocated.
=(

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.