syl. <3

Wednesdays.

2011-05-18T02:50:00.001+08:00

Can't make you stay.
Can't make you sway.
But I can go away.

Don't waste time on this

2011-04-24T18:01:00.003+08:00

It is a pretty strange and miraculous feeling I'm experiencing right now. Writing in the midst of hundreds of commuters spending a quarter of a tenth of their time awake queuing for public transport. I've come to a realization that I am in fact part of this society that spends most of their leisure time waiting to be ferried to their next destination, only to realize that the time could be better spent doing something more worthwhile. But it's necessary isn't it.

The soft clicking sound as I type away on the iPhone keypad creates this entirely new atmosphere - despite the whole bus station being filled with crying kids and nasty parents who keep balloons away from their rightful owners. Typing non - stop on an electronic device (like an iPhone) immediately puts me in a position of envy. One which people yearn to be in in their current lonely and desperate dispositions
Elderly people would be hoping they had their men to walk (I meant walkman). Foreigners hoping they had their bloody iPads. And kids wishing they had their digital monsters to destroy the villains who snark their balloons.

In fact, all this writing just distracts me from the actual anxiety I'm feeling from taking a bus that is supposedly bringing me to some place near my new home which is exactly 5.8km away. It doesn't exactly make sense all of a sudden to be taking public transport alone now - considering that I'm almost half asleep and trying to type incredibly fast to keep myself from dozing off before I reach the eighteenth stop at which I am supposed to alight at.

Okay I have no idea what I'm trying to get at with all this gibberish.

The Writer's Block

2011-04-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

Been resisting the only constant in the world to no avail. The unwillingness to express weakness in any form. The inability to tolerate weakness. It all sums up to fear.

The more you hide it, the more it shows.
The more you want it, the more you won't.
Bits and pieces of sorrow and woes.
Fear ignites the human soul.

Work your magic and drive me mad.
My thirst and rage won't make me sad.
Mark the moments of doubts and despair.
It'll always matter - all major affairs.

Control, Confidence, Risk, Meaning and Power.
The lack of honesty.
A matter of dispute.
Trust.

A Return Memo

2011-03-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

Finally back on with a secure Blackberry connection. Email's set up and I'm right back to being connected all day. Weekend spent with a bunch of lovely close mates.

Time really flies. It's been almost a month since I left Jones for good. Looks like its gonna be a pretty exciting start to March. The novelty of an entirely new environment and job scope awaits. Or at least, the impressionable witty Director who caught my heart and hooked it up with the job in less than 10 minutes, would soon be training me in less than 9 hours from this very moment. That's something to look forward to, too.

The fever's pretty much a pain though. Hopefully the pills work miracles on me tonight.

To a great week ahead. And greatest sympathies to the victims in Japan.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

Volunteering to Change the World

2011-01-25T10:01:00.003+08:00

The IAVE Youth Volunteer Conference became much of a sensation (to me at least). It was a simple event to bring people together from all over the world to share ideas and celebrate one another for having contributed something positive to their community in a bid to change the world. In a certain sense, it felt ironic to have met like-minded youths from all over who seemed to be searching for the core meaning for attending the event in the first place.

The adults were consistently pushing the delegates towards this vague vision. Speakers perpetually insisted that we held some power within each of us to do something great. The drastic bid to empower us to go out of our way to achieve the results of what some has already achieved felt pressurizing as the hours ticked away.

Yet, still, it was a great pleasure to be in the company of various people I'd now call my friends. They emerged spontaneously from various cultural backgrounds, countries, age groups and communities that they served. Most spoke articulately in English (and damn, I was really impressed, really). Almost everyone else came prepared with name cards to facilitate the entire networking process somehow. Felt utterly ashamed to be present without any form of identification (except my name tag which only had my name and country of which I represented).

So I met some Hong Kongers - Madeline, Wilson and Natalie. Madeline was an art student, and her name card, shoes, bag, and everything else had something artsy fartsy drawing on it. Wilson was a BBA student in the top university in Hong Kong, and he was really intelligent. And Natalie was a psychologist undergraduate who was really into clubbing (LOL).

Then there were 2 German boys - Jerry and Johan. They were high school students in Germany who decided to spend a year in Thailand to do Overseas Voluntary Service instead of Military Service back in their country. They were often curious about the little details. Often questioning the hows and whys.

There was Dan (pronounced Dawn) the Cambodian farmer. His family owned several hectare of rice fields in Cambodia. And, though backward in terms of technology, he was greatly aware of the various climate issues that his country was facing, and was really passionate when it came to sharing the little things each of us could do when it came to saving the Earth through environmentally practices that individuals could adopt back at home. I guess that was all I could really suss out.

Along the way we befriended Max and PickPorn from Thailand. Max was a Medical student who already had a Law Degree and was really into Politics. He was really amusing though with his little tricks and wide array of knowledge. He seemed to be a jack of all trades, but I haven't had time to discover which he actually mastered. Apparently he was really diligent back in Thailand. And his sincerity in sharing his knowledge made him emerge prominently amongst his other peers.

Then there were the Volunteer Ambassadors from the National Youth Council. Jiajia and Riduan from SMU who were really fun to be with. Sylvester, the 'matured' youth from the Youth Executive Council of Anchorvale CC. And of course my best buddies through the conference Thomas, Lourence and Edna.

Come to think of it, I really enjoyed those three days. Felt weird to have woke up on Monday to realize I wasn't heading down town to meet the usual gang I've been spending time with for 3 whole days.

Now - I'm back to being a jones intern.

Close your eyes.

2011-01-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

Dreadful long night. Too many plans to fulfill in one life, too many dreams for one night.
Bottled sorrow. Music just lifts the worst of moods, you can't figure how genuine emotions really are these days.
Forced independence. Assuming a role you're not sure if you can take on on your own. But who (really) cares.
Polished Exteriors. Exuding false confidence that masks all other flaws.
Assumed Maturity. Age that indicates an inaccurate level of maturity that has been acquired.
Undeserved Inferiority. Because sometimes people think you don't deserve the luxury to feel insecure or be assured.
Quiet Times. The times achieved through utter isolation deep within. You literally achieve a quiet moment because you're silent.
Weak soul.
Non - denials. They just mean silence. Nothing more.
Logical assumptions. Normal step to take to form complete pictures - with the possibility of assumptions turning out wrong or incorrect.
Immunity. Pain and bruises don't hurt because something else hurts more.
Revenge. A way to feel better and make things work out.

The twins on the train

2011-01-04T14:05:00.001+08:00

Consensus met through actions mean more than those met through words.

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Familiar Bag

2010-12-30T14:17:00.001+08:00

The distance from being who I think I am and who I can be - its pretty vague. The possibilities between what I want to do and what I can do are endless. The struggles gone through to be someone you think is great, and the perception of what others presume is great. Sharing joy and aspirations over drinks at a round table.

Isolation's the best way to build strength.
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Just let me love you.

2010-12-27T23:59:00.002+08:00

Was scribbling on a book before my pencil gave way; couldn't find a sharpener within reach, so I chose to type instead. Been interacting much with the world off screen and without the aid of the satellite. I know I still rely on it occasionally to keep in touch. But I've been living life much without the usual MSN, laptop, and teevee.

Found something better than teevee. Found people better than the radio. Found stories better than those on Twitter and Facebook. Found sceneries quirkier than pictures on Tumblr. Found life more fascinating than ever.

Even now as I sit facing my laptop (which often doze off and shuts down), I feel tempted again to pick up my pencil, or that purple Muji pen by me to continue scribbling. Keeping pace with life is tougher than it seems, especially when you're tracing it with hand written words. Life used to be so much busier with 2 books - but now that there's only one, it becomes more comfortable.

Been missing certain people lately. Been oblivious to happenings around me. Starting to feel certain gaps. Can't figure. Can't explain. Can't account for them either.

It's the end of the year again. Time to take on the responsibilities I thought could have been passed down a long time back. Time to build up energy for the journey that lies ahead. Time to be Sylvia.

Waybill Number

2010-12-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

Bacon with eggs on Christmas Eve in the living room. Heading to work to fulfill the painful fate of the mid-shifter (lol). Feels like Jones' gonna be filled with families and everyone else alike, doing their last minute Christmas shopping, and randomly grabbing candy to fill up Christmas stockings.

The past few nights have been really fun - guests were all cheery and a pleasure to serve; much to my delight. And the nights were just great, especially when Yizhen and Huaipeng are back! (:

So everyone's scrambling to purchase Christmas hampers and ingredients for dinner on Christmas Eve. Hot items like truffle oil by Tartuflanghe, the Cherry Panettone and Panettone by Rustichella d'Abruzzo and cranberry sauce were oos a few days back. And baskets dunked at the cashier counters fill up a couple of bags at a go. Kudos to the environmental friendly shoppers who brought their own shopping bags.

Anticipating some really crazy time at Jones in a bit. Huurah to Santa!

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Blue Sparrow

2010-12-16T14:09:00.001+08:00

Growing out of old habits is tough. Tougher than growing older at least. Takes time to push yourself out of that old shell. Hurts a little when that shell cracks and everything on the other side starts bursting in. And when you emerge - you start all over again; getting used to the new environment, build another shell of habits and behavior, live with it for a bit till the shell starts cracking again.

Maybe you'll carry inklings of what old habits would rub off onto you. Maybe not.

Confessions of the Blue Sparrow; as it takes flight -
Dragonflies dance to the callings of the night.
A rush towards the brighter skies on the other side.
The prayer for better harvests in the days to come.
Promises beyond the means of one.
Fears of greater expectations.
Failure is foretold.

Kept faith. Keep faith. Keeping faith.
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The Full Story

2010-12-04T08:16:00.001+08:00

Create that puzzle of life.
Break the pieces apart.
Make it a mystery.
Put them together.
See it again.
And celebrate it.

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For Strength

2010-12-03T11:16:00.000+08:00

I'd be glad if dreams remained as dreams, something that would never occur in reality - considering the number of bad dreams I find myself in these days. Think exercising would be the way to go to keep myself from all that crap. Hahs.

It has been a while since I really sat down and thought about work. Time to start today. Maybe drowning myself in work would work just as well too.

Another day at Jones with new colleagues! Yuean may join soon too! Looking forward much. (: To another fruitful and fun day at work.
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Love of Iris

2010-12-02T02:12:00.001+08:00

The more you love.
The more you feel.
The more you care.
The more you sink.
The more you take.
The more you give.
The more you hear.
The more you hurt.
The more you cry.
The more you smile.
The more you laugh.
The more you drift.
The more you stay.
The more you say.
The more you see.
The more you believe.
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Sweet Secrecy

2010-12-02T02:02:00.002+08:00

What a day.

Sigh. Haha.

What a post.

Just the way you are.

2010-11-30T00:55:00.003+08:00

Beautiful night. The rain cooled off the crazy heatwave that caught up with Singapore. The sea breeze at East Coast helped to create that perfect setting for a steamboat. Everyone present made the dinner exceptionally delicious. The perfect team to work on any regular day at Jones at any time. The perfect group for a heartwarming gathering on a Monday night.

Think the truth and dare session kinda screwed us up - some blushed, some blurted blunt answers, some remained too shy to share. Nonetheless those dirty little secrets kept us entertained the whole night, and should remain within the premises of Poshgrove East. (Right? LOL) Maybe we should gather soon for normal, none-jones food.

Grateful that the lovelies are staying on after their internship ends. Grateful for the fun moments we spend together. Grateful for the wonderful colleagues I enjoy my time with everyday. Grateful for Jones.

Love you people! :D Really!

Yizhen and her cute laugh and painful pinches.

Waikei and his weird humor and logic finger.

HuaiPeng and her awesome personality.

Gary and his jokes.

Adren and his honesty.

Jason and his passion and spirit.

:D!

Be the love of the world.

2010-11-27T01:39:00.002+08:00

An endless piece of sky beyond the horizon left me bedazzled for close to half an hour this morning. There was only a hint of sunshine, but the clouds were fluffy white and the sky was clear and blue. It was just that particular spot along the walkway that allowed me to capture that beauty of the moment.

Of course, that didn't cross my mind in an instant. I began to walk forward, towards the rail tracks (which actually marked the horizon where I thought the sky would stretch beyond). The clouds started to gradually turn gray and gloomy, stretch real thin, and slowly disappeared. And just as I thought that maybe that whole beautiful sky thing was just some hallucination of mine, I turned around and there it was again - the same piece of sky, clear and breathtaking.

So maybe the saying is true - just when you think the whole world has turned its back on you, just turn around and maybe it's just you who happened to put the whole world behind you. Turn around, and you'll see that same charming person you once adored, same lovely place you once admired, same ol' phrases you once loved to hear.

Its sometimes hard to revisit those memories for fear of revoking those well buried nuisance. But who knows the gems that one can uncover when we take the chance. The good. The bad. When it all comes out. It'll all be history. And nothing matters more than whats about to happen.

So who cares about those silly boo-boos and mortifying encounters. Honesty could somehow still be the best policy around.

I'm doing my best - though that's no excuse to fail. Make the best decisions. Decipher the best advice. Consider the best options for the best interests of the people around me. Casting aside thoughts of rage and hurt. Neglecting desires and wants. For the greater good. For the better tomorrow they all want. Sigh.

Stand alone. Feel alone. Do alone.

That's strength. ?

With you.

I (Miss) the second time

2010-11-22T09:26:00.001+08:00

Arghh how tortuous. How emotions can fluctuate at this rate. It could just be a mismatch. Where expectations weren't met - again. Or maybe just that constant want to receive something. But nothing was ever sent. Maybe a mismatch happens too frequently for anyone to figure it could lead to something significant.

The cool morning breeze charms me back to sleep. Yet the cold white room that would soon be empty keeps me wondering about the changes I would soon be encountering. Its all happening so quickly, but time's still crawling.

Today I will have my say in the journey that would come my way. The unintended coincidence of crossing paths with the person who was once so close by. The unintended competition for a single spot. Sigh - how cruel life is sometimes.

I guess I need to think further. Think faster. Think harder. And think bigger. Can't afford to let my imagination run wild anymore. Can't have my heart dwell in those wishful dreams. Its really like depriving myself from doing what I always felt like doing - but it could turn out to be better.

Besides, maybe you're better off alone.
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Just in time

2010-11-20T08:04:00.000+08:00

Saturday Morning and the train is exceptionally packed - either that or I'm late for work. Right eyelid has been twitching - and I start to wonder what's gonna happen today. Pretty happy to be going back to Jones on the weekend. At least I know today will pass in a flash.

Motto for today: Fast Smiles. Fast Service.

It should work - whether I'm hosting or handling a station in or out.

--------------

Hahs. Brooding over tough decisions. Wonder why its so hard to decide - but the simple Yes and No teasers are always the hardest to handle. Somehow I can't predict the outcome with certainty. And that frightens me too much now. Can't figure where that fear stems from too. The simplification of the decision by the people around makes me wonder if my concerns are dumbfounded. Maybe I just need a little more assurance and confidence. Wonder how much further I can push myself. How much farther I can go. Then maybe all I need to do is take that leap of faith and just say Yes.

Leap of faith. Test of courage. Change of fate.
A free fall; .
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Miss

2010-11-16T23:42:00.001+08:00

Haven't sat alone at a random bus stop at this hour for a long time. Placed my feet up on the cold metal bench to enjoy the night breeze better. Trees are still but cars keep zooming past. The traffic lights seem to hint the soon approaching christmas fever that was about to hit Jones. Hahs. Feels like another one of those chilly slow nights.

Music blasting in my ears at maximum volume. The noise from my surroundings fade and everything else seem to follow the beat of the song that's playing. Moon peeking shyly over the gray clouds, the strong resemblance stirs me.

Haha. Okay. I need to stop smiling to myself now.

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Red and Yellow.

2010-11-12T11:22:00.002+08:00

There was whispering in the background. Shuffling across the dark squeaky room, the path ahead seemed endlessly perplexing. Cautiously approaching the giant iron door, the clanking of keys echoed through the room as it was pulled out of the shallow pockets of that old pair of chinos.

The heavy box of poignant books sat well between the other boxes of melancholy and ache. Walking out of the room and locking the door again, I heaved a sigh of relief.
_________

Somehow it feels better to shut it in before it takes its toll on myself.
Should it really mean that much, bringing it out later would bring about the same sort of emotion all over again.
If I wrote it well, reading it once would evoke the same vivid memories.
Hah - maybe this would make running lighter and more refreshing.

Passion in Discretion

2010-11-12T02:33:00.001+08:00

The Pompeii exhibition kept me exhilarated the whole night. Images of the final hours, together with the resin casts and Fresco images - they all felt sorrowfully pleasant. Indulged myself in the amazing story of Cleopatra and her lovers - Julius Caesar and Marc Antony. And the introduction to the exhibition of the once buried roman city by Zhuangzhuang came just in time.

Today (or actually yesterday), was a pretty meaningful day to celebrate for me. Or at least, I made it a point to keep myself happy throughout.

Its Friday ! And Fridays are always eventful.
Its been far too long since I've felt like this. How refreshing.

To the lovelorn soul out there: Fret not the feelings of the other. For what matters most (now) are the feelings of your own. If you love her much then don't let her go. (;
All the best yo!

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The Break Through (the door)

2010-11-08T14:44:00.004+08:00

Just realized that I dozed off on the sofa whilst typing my periodic report, and I feel particularly perturbed over what the doctor said to me in the clinic.

So here's how the conversation went; (the doctor's different from the one I saw the other night, who just gave me a jab so I could go home to rest):

Syl: Oh I came just the other night to make the swelling go off and now its back on my elbow and thighs.
Doc: Oh, so what did the other doctor say when you came the other time?
Syl: Uh, I don't know. What do you think it is?
Doc: I think its an allergy, some sort of infection, or maybe it's toxins. There are many causes for this sort of thing. You need to eat more vegetables and eat healthily. I think you have an eating disorder.
Syl: Oh.

Mum: So what is it that she's eating that's making her swell?
Doc: Well, anything could have made that happen. It's just bad eating habits. Every disease and illness starts from bad eating habits. Everything she ate could be a cause.
Mum: Oh.

Syl: Could I also get some medicine for my sore throat? It's really scratchy, and my nose has been running. I think I had a fever last night too.
Doc: Let me check your temperature (*stuffs mercury thermometer down my throat*)
Syl: Uhh.. I don't think I have a fever now.
Doc: Yeah, we'll see about that. Oh, no fever. You're okay.
Syl: Oh really?

Mum: I think she needs an MC. I want her to rest today.
Doc: Ok. Go out.
Syl: Uh. Okay. Thanks?

And that was it. I waited for close to an hour for that visit. I did get my jab when my mum was conversing with the doctor. But man. This doctor's really weird. I had not much of a conversation with the previous doctor when I visited her in the wee hours in the morning. Forgot to ask for the cause of my swelling entirely. I briefly remember something about not knowing the exact origin and cause of my allergy attack. But man, this doctor really freaked me out and got me laughing as I left the clinic.

It could be an allergy, infection or something due to toxins? So which?
There are many causes to such a thing - yeah, duh. That's precisely why I'm seeking some professional advice to guide me along and figure out the cause so I don't trigger it again.

I need to eat more vegetables and healthily, and I could have an eating disorder. She made it sound like vegetables was the immediate cure to my current symptoms. And come to think of it, there aren't much greens in the staff meals provided by Jones anyway. Maybe I should consider doing up my own salad for work. But how did I come to have an eating disorder - that I start to wonder. That was an utterly defaming, demoralizing and hurtful statement. Sigh. I went to google Eating Disorders, and (damn the doctor) none of the specific descriptions of eating disorders matched my eating habits and behaviors.

The end of the consultation was the most hilarious to me. Especially when she said that anything I ate could be a trigger to the allergy attack (duh). What in the world was she thinking, I really wonder. I felt like some cuckoo talking to some cuckoo. The fact that she even shoved a mercury thermometer under my tongue even after I told her I had a fever LAST NIGHT just shows that she wasn't listening attentively to me at all. Her receptionist at the counter was busy as hell, and utterly frustrated since she could not catch up with the pace of the doctor. Dispensing medicine whilst handling registrations as patients kept streaming in.

Oh wells. If only being a doctor was this simple. Let the patients know they need to eat well, and eat more vegetables. Tell them everything they are suffering from now is caused by some eating disorder and bad eating habits. Prescribe some antibiotics and anything else the previous doctor prescribed. Take their temperature the minute they mention fever. And tadah! Out. Out they go. And KACHING - 30 bucks comes in.

So much for seeing a doctor. Thank goodness for the MC too though. The pain and itch at the back of my thighs is getting unbearable. I'm laying chest down on my bed and balancing two ice packs on the red swollen patches on the back of my thigh to keep myself from rubbing it. I know I'm supposed to complete my periodic report soon and get some rest but I thought some blogging could keep me up for a bit.

Googled (omg I love Google) and found that I could probably be suffering from Hives or Urticaria. The most possible cause I found, could be due to an infection.

Infections
Hive-like rashes commonly accompany viral illnesses, such as the common cold. They usually appear 3–5 days after the cold has started, and may even appear a few days after the cold has resolved.
- Wikipedia

Well. I am suffering from a cold. So.. that's probably it? Ah wells. This is better than knowing I have an eating disorder that could be causing the swelling. And interestingly, the doctor covered almost every possible cause by stating that 'anything I ate could be the cause of it.' Toxins, allergy or infection. Thats basically everything too right? Well making multiple predictions in hopes of getting one right just doesn't work sometimes.

Anyways - just thought I should note this down for fun: Jone's 30kg door came off yesterday. What a joke.

Okay, back to my report.

Black Satin Stripes

2010-11-07T11:07:00.001+08:00

Trudging to work with a heavy head and a running nose is such a pain. I feel cold everywhere I go - but I insist on not wearing a jacket since feeling cold indicated that I was actually warm and losing heat so I needed to cool down. Weird logic I know. Ah, but who cares? Its Sunday! - I know this sentence doesn't entirely make sense.

My butt cheeks still hurt from the injection last night. So much for random allergy attacks.

Blogging when mood-less is such a pain too. But sigh I just want to entertain myself with something on the train since boredom just eats right into me. And moving my fingers keeps me slightly warmer than just doing nothing at all. Ah, I should just read a book.

Sigh, guess I just needed to rant. Roar. Sniff. Cough.
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Jones the Gro(v)er

2010-11-06T19:47:00.002+08:00

Typed an entire post on my BB that got deleted when I placed my phone down on the cashier when I was purchasing a bottle of Minute Maid Pulpy Orange Fruit Juice. LOL

I'm starting to enjoy bus rides more than train rides, interestingly. Probably because of the sights and scenes that come with each bus ride. Buildings that keep getting taller. Trees that keep groing older. Roads that keep getting worn and gray. And people I see on the streets who are never the same. The road to work just keeps me fascinated.

Been hosting in Jones yesterday. Families kept flocking in in large groups expecting to be sat almost immediately (as usual). Some how I feel like I'm starting to pull away from the job. I mean I love hosting - it keeps me going on my feet, allows me to talk to customers about almost anything and everything (even though they often end up being more interested in my job at Jones or why the store doesn't do chilli sauce and croissants). Hmm, I guess I just need to pay more attention, be a little more meticulous, and show a little more TLC to make people love Jones just as much as I do.

Speaking of which! I asked Nicki a pretty stupid question yesterday which left me baffled for the entire afternoon after that. (Yeah, I stunned myself). I asked him why do people love Jones this much even with all the complaints and stuff. And he just said 'But you love Jones too?!' Sigh. How stupid.

---- 8am

Hosting today was pretty fun. Tried my best to do whatever I could to clear tables and get people seated quickly. But I never did a proper follow through with any customer today. My soaring temperature, sore throat and bad nose shortened my attention span tremendously. I found myself drowning in heaps of honey and water to no avail. But oh wells, guess the customers who dropped by today made up for all that. Met a couple of familiar faces today. Felt really happy to recognize people and have them identify me by name. Cashier-ing at the end of the day kept me awake at least.

On a side note; the crowd at Jones today was exceptionally small. Like, seriously, only half of the number of people expected for breakfast turned up today. The waiting list was never REALLY filled up. (I mean it was somehow, probably because I insisted on scribbling the names of the customers at the entrance on the waiting list even though I knew there were available tables so I could strike them off for fun.) Minus all the lame names I took to waste space, I guess only 5-7 groups of customers REALLY queued at all. The rest got their tables almost immediately. And to me, that was refreshing - especially for a Saturday.

Dinner with the usual lovelies and now I'm on my way home. I really wonder how I'm gonna get rid of all that pressure in my head now. My temples feel like they are bursting any moment now. And my throat is so scratchy, even drinking water hurts. Pepsi relieved me of that pain for a bit but now I'm back to square one. Sigh. How torturous.

---- 8pm

Type type type.

2010-11-04T16:47:00.002+08:00

4th November 2010.

Dear Diary.

I want to complete my report.
I want to scream for ice cream.
I want to swim in the Pacific.
I want to see a volcano erupt.
I want to walk across the Great Wall in China.
I want to discover a buried Pharaoh.
I want to count a million stars.
I want to paint a waterfall.
I want to cycle across Singapore.
I want to jump off a cliff and dive.
I want to write down the millions of things I want to do.

But right now.
There's only one thing I want to do.

May my birthday wishes come true.

Thanks Diary.

Signing off
Syl.

___ being w/o you.

2010-10-28T00:31:00.007+08:00

It's been a while since I found some energy to post a real reflection on my blog. Thought I should seriously keep up with my memory to keep pace with my working days at Jones so I don't lose track. (: Sigh! How fun hanging out can be some times.!

Jones' has been really cold lately, since the air-conditioning system was repaired and beefed up by the really cool repairman. Morning at Jones' became significantly more tolerable, and the customers simply love the temperature I suppose, with more of them choosing to stay longer to chat, whilst ordering more coffee to keep warm! The rainy weather that has been killing the haze made all shifts pleasant. Waiting tables was literally 'no sweat'! And the enjoyable weather kept most customers really fun and happy. (:

Been learning a lot more lately. Just a short confession to make - I do feel a little bored of work some times during my shifts. I know well enough that I cannot expect customers to flow in as and when I want them to appear in front of me. But having them come at irregular intervals kinda spoils my momentum, especially when it comes to spewing the same greetings in that jovial tone. So instead of allowing myself to lose that momentum, I'm still figuring out a way to keep myself focused on my work (instead of allowing myself to give in to the temptation to chit chat at the bar, get lost in my thoughts or get myself obsessed with cleaning utensils).

So I've tried hosting and cashiering lately. They're pretty much different from the usual waitering services provided on the floor.

Hosting during the weekend required consistent follow-ups and communication with the customers and the other colleagues who were hard at work at their stations. For starters, the hostess had to consistently reassure customers in the queue that their wait would definitely be worthwhile, make them feel secure; that they would be able to get a table to their liking the instant one becomes available, and allow them to rant their frustrations so they feel at ease while in line. I also finally understood, and started to appreciate the work of everyone else during the busy weekend, when staff are so often busy with entertaining their own customers - taking orders, catering to the wimps and needs of customers and displaying that extra touch to make the experience at Jones tastefully delighting. The minutes they had to spare were hard to come by, to catch their breath and pick up speed yet again. And as the hostess that Saturday morning, I was particularly grateful to the staff who took time to buzz me through the wireless walkie talkies to inform me about the seats available at specific stations after a particular period of time. It made the job a lot more pleasant and manageable. Made the customers 10 times more delighted I suppose (since they managed to get their seats really quickly). And I hope it made everyone else feel more productive at work. Sigh, I really need to exclaim the wonders of team synergy!

Learning the ropes from the pros was what made it much simpler. Learning often happens by imitation. But imitation does not mean losing the essence of one self and becoming the second rate version of someone else. It just means taking something, reforming it to suit yourself best, and doing it better. I pretty much had a rough impression of how Nur, Shuqi, Yizhen and Huaipeng used to do hosting. With vague impressions of how they used to conduct themselves during the hectic weekend mornings, I figured out and got myself comfortable in the role at a faster rate than I expected. Jay's advice at the later part of the day - to only focus my attention on the first few people in line, thus reducing the customer t/o rates in the queue, and reducing the probability of any discrepancies that may arrive with people cutting in lines, leaving the queue and rejoining it later or mistakes that I make with my forgetfulness (since I can't remember all their faces) - really made the job a lot more interesting. He added that personal touch into the whole hosting service. To be firm, and yet sincere to show how much the customers meant to Jones as a business entity, without over promising, or under performing. He even formulated ways as to managing the queue during a busier weekend and highlighted the different possibilities in which customers would try to draw issues out of thin air and make mountains out of a molehill. Really grateful to be able to learn so much from him too.

Cashiering was something I tried to pick up when I was slightly more free during night shifts. Often enough when I see Yizhen, Huaipeng, Jason or Nur at the cashier, I would pester them to show me how they would process the transactions. It was really a feat to me, to be able to key in takeaway orders, scan products on the cashier counter, recheck bill orders, reconfirming the total amount and payment method, packing the products into plastic bags (that were seriously flimsy), counting and handing out change or getting the customer to sign on the credit card receipt, and finally handing out receipts. They often did all these for ONE customer in less than 3 minutes or so (yea, I I took time for a couple, and that was the average). Each time I saw them take a bill to the cashier I'd often stare with much curiosity, and I was really excited each time they offered to teach me how to use the Fedelta POS System! That was the last I needed to know of it to make sure I fully grasped the 来龙去脉 of how the accounting system really worked (pardon the sudden use of Chinese words. I just heard it from the HK drama I'm watching and woosh it fits this perfectly!). So I figured I learnt how to do cash transactions, credit card transactions, NETS transactions, bar code scanning, product searches, totaling, bill splitting, and the perfect order to press buttons, tear receipts, close the drawers and pack products before ending the whole regime with a warm smile and saying "Thank you Maam/Sir! Have a great day!".

Though tips is a taboo to speak of on my publicly read blog, I insist on describing how exciting it actually is to receive tips on a credit card bill! Now instead of looking forward to tips customers shove into the bill books or tables, I look forward to tips customers actually scribble on the slips of credit card receipts printed! Just for Sammy's sake I shall mention this too - I've never fancied much of personal tips anyway, and I probably figured who else does it more often than I do. HAHA. But Ee Boon (this new part timer who just joined Jones) really impressed me. And he'd probably be the person I'd be most willing to work with out and about - apart from almost everyone else with whom I also enjoy working with! But anyway, back to the tips on the credit card receipts - they are probably the most awesome little things you can find in Jones. Really. Think about it - how often can you impress and please a customer so much they would take the extra time to scribble the few dollars worth of extra tips on the little line, sum it up with the original amount, scribble the total amount and sign. Woah, that extra effort would definitely be what I'd be working towards in the next couple of weeks. And why are those little things so awesome? They allow you to work out the most complicated set of buttons to press on both the credit card machine and the Fedelta POS System! So you have to re-enter the transaction number on the receipt to retrieve that particular transaction in the machine, edit it by reentering a new tip amount and print the receipt again! Then the transaction on the Fedelta POS System would need to be re-edited again, before taking out actual cash from the cashier drawer and placing them in the tip jar! I figured it was like the most fun thing to do, and something I really looked forward to when receiving receipts at the cashier. The one last thing I really enjoy doing at the cashier? Wrapping books for both sale and browsing. Shan't dwell on that!

Did I also mention! Jay gave me a second level training during a Thursday evening. Gosh it was good. The information overload really kept my brain working through the night, even when I was with Leanne and Jason at Mandarin Gallery working out the center pieces for the tables for the dinner and dance event. So recently I've been on some really high state when it came to recommending teas and beers and wines. I've been trying to smell the variations too - only for the tea. I figured out how most teas would cater to varying age groups and social classes. I'm still learning the terms and jargons used to describe and taste wines and beers. So wines could be flat, bland, spicy, fragrant, and sweet. And beers could be dark, light, fruity, smooth and bitter. And sigh - I just realized how much effort should go into a cup of latte before the perfect smooooth and sweet taste of the coffee comes out. Rashyd and Alif make the best coffees so far.

Right now, I really love the time off the job, but I feel excited to go to work each time. I wonder if I'm starting to lose the passion though, because I find myself losing that smile, especially when I had a bad day back at home or when I've been dwelling too deep in my own emotions and thoughts on my way to work. Sigh, the effects of being so far away. I just need to constantly reassure myself. Keeping faith! Somehow I know I'll rediscover a way to keep smiling through the job! (: I also figured recently that poems and lame scribbles of mine aren't exactly the most common things my colleagues see at work.

Dinner and dance was great, and kudos to the organizing team with Peter, Yizhen, Huaipeng, Jason, Claire, Gary, Waikei, and Junren. It was absolutely unforgettable I guess. Every little detail, the balloons, the external trainings for the dealers, the invitation cards (like literally poker cards), the chips, the powerpoint slides, the prizes, the glamor shot podium, reception area and the program flow and effort taken to RSVP. Imagine the time they worked out of work to make all this possible and you'll start to appreciate the whole event 100 times more. Sufern and Peter kept the crowd really happy the whole time. And the other Jones staff - all looking gorgeous and stunning had much fun with their families and friends; that I'm sure. Really happy to have the Ngee Ann Polytechnic's D3 dance group, strings quartet and Klavierensemble down on that day to perform. They were really enthusiastic and sincere about performing for the crowd. And their anxiety just shows how much importance they place on the work they enjoy. They were pretty fun too! But I guess they were pretty shy, considering they didn't know many people in the crowd. So I spent most of the time outside the hall with them on the walkway, and I was pretty much starving. Filled my tummy with glasses of wine and bottles of alcohol. I figured that was how most of my colleagues thought I was drunk, since my face was flushed and I felt a little light headed and lost my footing when I was shoved into the main event hall to collect my lucky draw prize (which was another bottle of red wine, damn my affinity with alcohol that night). But Hey, I was the first few at work the next day with no hangovers, no belching, nothing! And I'm proud of that ROFL (for no effing reason).

Its yet another off day tomorrow and I'm gonna meet Rooooth for lunch with Furong and Dehong! :D
Dinner with Zhuangzhuang and Flo today was pretty fun too! :D
And I hope Jess gets through her interview so she can be back here every day and week and month and year! <3

Ahhh, and as how Robert Browning puts it:
Grow old with me! The best is yet to be! (:

Good morning! <3

Can I Scream.

2010-10-25T01:49:00.002+08:00

Wings tied up, I can't take flight.
Heart's shut in, I can't confide.
Bound by rules, I can't decide.
Expectations from which I cannot hide.

Smart in Silver

2010-10-24T01:20:00.005+08:00

The posts on my rant box amused me pretty much on a Saturday morning. Read it if you haven't, then refer to the post on October 9th - now you get that aura don't ya! What a joke. LOL. The merriments for Sylvia from people as such in a day just doesn't end sometimes.

The CIMS International Competition was today - and we had heaps of fun. The lame jokes and videos by Jonathan, constant gossiping by Shaun, meticulous comments and feedback by Hng and TLC from LY (<3!)
Anyways, Ngee Ann got second place in the competition. I really wonder if the smile and the warmth from Mr. Chua's and Ms. Wong's shoulder pats expressed genuine elation. But so be it, we were satisfied that Mr. Tan actually decided to implement some of the marketing activities we brought across!

Think I'm experiencing the extremes of an emotional crisis right now; thus making me unsuitable for making any sort of decisions now and for a bit until my mind's cleared up. Though glad and amused, there's just something missing right in the middle of myself.

Judy Garland - Be the first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.

That would just be the perfect gift for myself this year.
If this is never enough, then why make do.
Shyt, I'm just being oversensitive.
Screw this.

A Month and 120 hours

2010-10-21T14:23:00.000+08:00

Regretful moments you'll never forget.
Painful memories you always neglect.
Lies and tears of a beautiful duet.
Showers that mask the fears that you have.
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The Weekend Parade II

2010-10-16T03:37:00.003+08:00

This weekend's worth celebrating. Happy Birthday! To Byong hee in China, Jerome somewhere around the world, Charmaine beside me, and Jess in Qatar.
I wish them health and peace in all that they do, and may their wishes all come true!

Love them heaps! <3

The Weekend Parade

2010-10-15T12:52:00.003+08:00

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story of how you've come to be

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've known to grow a little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder of the child within your eyes

- Corrinne May

Not a thing that I would..

2010-10-14T01:42:00.001+08:00

Fly away, just fly away. There's no better reason for you to stay. For if you're better off this way. Then there's nothing I can say.

Turn away, just turn away. There's a greater sight somewhere far away. For if you're better off this way. Then nothing I do can change your way.

Fade away, just fade away. There're greater feelings along the way. For if you're better off this way. Then nothing I feel would make it stay.

No matter - I'll still be here.
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Dreams (don't) come true.

2010-10-13T03:48:00.001+08:00

I slept 16 hours yesterday straight after I got back from dinner with Zhuangzhuang, Junren and Dominic. So bummed out and tired at work I spilled a soda because I bumped into the door whilst walking and I kept dozing off whilst standing at the bar. Couldn't even keep my eyes open on the train.

But 16 hour of sleep yesterday didn't feel right. It was probably the worse nightmare I had so far. It felt worse than the lucid dream I had a couple of months ago with that devastating text message. Probably because it had to do with someone who matters more to me than any other.

The feelings were too real. The scenes. The people and their stories. The incident. The accident. And everything else that followed. Woke up to find my heart racing and tears streaming down my face. The probability of my dream occurring in reality was too large, and it frightened me a little when I couldn't convince myself that I was dreaming since I was really tearing on bed - exactly the scene before I opened my eyes.

It took me close to an hour before I managed to convince myself that probably everything else was fine, and that dreams always remain as dreams.

But right now, I'm so afraid to shut my eyes to sleep again. What if I start to dream again. What if this becomes my recurring lucid dream. The paranoia just haunts me. Sigh. Maybe I shall busy myself with art till I drop dead on my bed.
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Skinny Choice

2010-10-09T21:13:00.001+08:00

I got a Java Chip Grande instead of the Tall Chocolate Cream Chip I ordered. The Java Chip tasted a little lighter and bland, so it was probably blended with low fat milk. And the ham and cheese on croissant was little compared to the Leg ham and zuchinni cheese baguette offered at Jones. I was satisfied still, but gosh, the espresso shot in the Java Chip's gonna keep me awake till 3.

Settling at Starbucks was the last resort. Both TCCs were fully packed. Other cafes that were not that crowded offered only alfresco dining. Air conditioning is so darn important in Singapore lol.

Been pondering about the little things that mattered most to me. And I wonder how many really mattered at all.

So I'm trying to match my emotions to my current expression right now. It doesn't feel right somehow. Never did. And I guess I've always been bad at expressing myself right. So I resort to writing as per usual.

Right now. I look expressionless. Utterly blank and lethargic. This could probably be due to my head too. But yeah. That was what my face told the world. Yet deep down I'm actually pretty happy. I've been jumping with joy inside since I received compliments through feedback forms and emails from customers who enjoyed themselves at Jones. But the excitement's fading real quickly. Think I should work harder for greater things ahead.

Interestingly. I know I've got something I needed to type out so bad at 6pm but all the doodling and dawdling around the area together with my heavy hot brain kinda made the topic burn out. Sigh. I still feel bothered by something but I can't seem to put my finger on it. The gossiping at the next table's not making it any better either.

Oh wells. Think the increasing weight of my head and the dropping temperature of my surroundings are warning signs that tell me its time to go home. For better or worse. Maybe the bed will bring some warmth.

Till I get that feeling back!
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New to Jones

2010-10-09T14:44:00.001+08:00

So Jones recently brought in a couple of new and exciting items into the menu - much to my delight since I knew how easy it was to please the customers with refreshing food and drinks they've never tasted.

So they've got a new ham. Coppa. A couple of new pinot noirs and sparking shirazs. New butter cakes and tarts. And some new part timers.

Honestly, I don't see myself being the most unsociable kid in town. And being optimistic at work and whilst serving customers is something I'd always like to do. But man, all that has become a notch harder to be and do, ever since I met Sammy.

Well, she should be pretty smart (since she's in NTU minus the fact that NTU dropped a couple of ranks down the world universities listing). And uh, she looks pretty neat, with a hot bod to boot. Heh - but her aura just kills everything. Makes me moody. Makes customers moody. And man, that just means less tips. They'd just strut straight into the cashier instead of calling for the bill because they're so fed up and just wanna leave.

Sigh. And I'm stuck outside with her for the day. Rofl. Maybe I should get to know her better! Hmmm. She should really smile and I'm so desperate to rant I actually spent 5 minutes blogging about it. Back to work!
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Porsecco Fever

2010-10-09T01:58:00.004+08:00

Thought that I should blog a little today.

Totally bummed out from doing the closing shift today. Head was utterly driving me nuts but the job was so fun I just couldn't help floating about manning my station dutifully. The personalities of the customers that come by and the little things I start to notice about my colleagues every day never fail to fascinate me. Been learning every little thing about Jones. I'm only a quarter done and its already the 3rd week! Not much time left I guess.

Jone's dinner and dance party's drawing near and my colleagues are close to breakdown with all their reports and event details to handle. Did I mention - some of my colleagues study at Taylor's University College in Malaysia. It sounds really cool. And they're really adept in the service line. Best of all, they're always so willing to share what they know with everyone else! I'm really grateful for all the things I've learnt from them, really.

Closing shifts have been really fun with all the crazy things we do at the bar. I've tried barbecuing marshmallows with the candles placed on the tables. Tried making lattes but failed with estimating froth. Tried designing lattes. Tried cashier-ing (and I realised I'm good at it). Tried cutting tonnes and tonnes of butter slabs for breakfast the next day. Tried carrying 24 glasses in one hand. Tried lighting candles without burning myself. And even tried polishing every available glass, saucer, utensil and plates on the bar till they shone. At the end of it, we get to bring back all the muffins and scones that never sold during the day.

Reliance could be bad - I figured. Or at least, too much of it never does any good.

And right now, I really need to sleep off the heat in my head. I think it causes rapid expansion of brain mass - LOL I wish.

Jubilation Dolor

2010-09-30T23:28:00.002+08:00

I really want to rant at the rain today. Maybe its the rain that's making me feel like that.

Jones was much quieter than most days - but the rain kept people in for really long hours. The most cranky customers tipped the most today. Paid so much attention to details that I felt cranky halfway through my shift. But I learnt a lot today. My colleagues got really excited each time they realized they could share something they know and knew I didn't with me. That included their experiences with past guests, customers, shortcuts to handling sticky situations in a crowd, ways to manipulate the average customer's buying behavior, up-selling items that customers love, and even things that customers love to hear during their meal in the cafe. This excitement made them feel protective somehow - I think they felt happy that they could mentor somebody. My colleagues today were more than willing to cover up for mistakes I made, and often thought I needed some form of help each time I moved slightly faster. That only meant I had the tables cleaned up faster, had my customers served quicker, and got more tips because customer turnover was higher and were generally more pleased. And so, even though Sylvia had this huge ego she felt was sometimes hard to contain, she appreciated the attention she received today.

Jones gave out Medinet Prestige Cards today to all their staff, and I received one too. It allowed staff to visit a variety of clinics all over the island, and it would cover medical fees worth up to $30 per visit. Meetings were held all around the communal tables today, and it felt really weird to not be part of them and be the one pouring and dishing out drinks and food to the members of the meeting instead.

My BBB (beloved blackberry) died on me today after receiving 6 text messages and 5 emails after lunch. So I strolled to MOS in hopes of using the Internet SMS Service by Singtel to tell zhuangzhuang where I was. I even bought a large meal so I could settle in some cosy corner to spend the next few hours working. But my BAN (beloved Acer notebook) failed to start up. And because I kept fidgeting, the MOS employee kept asking if I was cold, and offered to help me shift to another table. Initially, I thought the change in place could probably offer me some fresh luck with some good fengshui in my already un-contactable situation. But it didn't. And I shivered even more under the air-con. The MOS employee shuffled me about the restaurant thrice, without luck. I began to feel upset with everything else around me, so I gobbled my large meal and left MOS to wait for zhuangzhuang at her employee exit instead. It was much warmer there, but I started to warm up too quickly as I started to receive weird stares from the people who walked in and out of the building. I guessed it was probably the Undercover Police tee that I was wearing that made me look suspicious. I went to walk about aimlessly after and landed up in Paper Market buying heaps of stationary and wrapping papers. I spent the rest of the night purchasing files, books and organizers to keep myself cheery through dinner with zhuang and flo (I just happened to meet them in Raffles City at 8pm).

Now I'm home and I'm so moodless. My BBB and BAN could be feeling just the same way I am.

Isolated. Sigh.

Results. Sigh sigh.

Uoy Sigh sigh sigh.

Bad, bad time. Shouldn't ignite these emotional reactions to it. Can't curb them anyhow.

Excitement. Frustration. Jubilation. Dolor.

Hearts on Latter

2010-09-27T02:29:00.001+08:00

I realized my memory span fluctuates a lot. And I've been caught mumbling to myself a lot today by my colleagues, and they'd laugh. But I wasn't mumbling nonsense like an idiot. I was just repeating orders in my head, recalling details from customers and memorizing the menu and the daily antipasti selection menu together with all the other 86 items.
Interestingly, I'm really loving the job I'm in somehow.

Ran food and drinks today - and made friends. The sous chefs were really cranky during Brunch. Every thing I did, even staring at the dockets that were printed got them jumping on their feet with rocket leaves or steak in their hands. But they were really funny. The messy and hectic scene in the kitchen was something almost every one dreaded. I dread it too at some point of time in the day, but I soon found joy in staring at the chefs do their thing. They worked in perfect harmony. The eggs, sausages, tomatoes, toast, and salads were all created by different chefs at their individual counters. But they always seem to know when the next dish was coming up the next moment and exactly when they had to put their own ingredient one after another to fire up the right course for each table. I often found myself staring in awe of their teamwork. No matter how upset or hectic it was, they kept prepping each other up to maintain standards of quality for their food. And they never compromised quality for the sake of rushing orders out. But of course, I must admit, they were really quick, and good.

The barista team today was really huge. And they got me realllly confused for a bit. Add on the fact that they really loved to tease and make jokes whilst working. Gosh. Listening to them whilst keeping track of drinks and getting them served to the right tables became much of a challenge. Still, they were always keen to make sure they did their drinks well.

One motivation could be the Barista competition which was coming up soon during the company's dinner. Apart from the beautiful foam art that was required and always expected from each cup of coffee that came with milk or froth, the judges should be looking out for the aroma of the coffee - that would come from the right amount of coffee powder pumped into the espresso machine, the right amount of coffee inside the drink to make the right taste, the amount of milk and froth, the right temperature, and the right texture. I've served up watery lattes, thick foamy lattes, and lattes that were just perfect (as long as the customer sees no need in stirring the cup of coffee, you know the barista got it right). That was all I learnt from running drinks. I couldn't be inside the bar to know more about the art of coffee making just yet. But I'm anticipating.

Felt really light headed today too. I was floating much around the workplace. Really grateful for the many slices of cakes and pastry we had due to wrong orders keyed in by our fellow mates - not by mistake, but by miscommunication on the customers' part. The most common mistake made by customers today was identifying the brownie as a chocolate fudge cake. So they always ordered the chocolate fudge but never got the brownie they wanted. Blind bats they are. And they never trusted us much, come to think of it. They never believed that the label on the brownie was brownie, and they always say 'I thought you labeled it wrongly.' Sigh. But still, the cakes prepped me up a lot. I got really upset with myself when I broke a glass while I was thinking about duck pasta at the bar station. The salami slices and the smoothies my colleagues made for me really cheered me up though. And they kept telling me it was really normal to break stuff anyway (but of course I know they were reallly just consoling me). My new friends were also really fun to talk to. So I made a couple more Ngee Ann friends. And a doctor to be from Hwa Chong. And another culinary student from Malaysia.

Competition for customers became really tight at night. Families would just stroll in, read the menu and head out to Magaritas or Domes or Long Beach. We figured that most people are looking for pizzas and pasta and burgers when it came to dinners at Dempsey, and Jones just didn't get it.

Making out on the bar top counters seemed to also be the new in thing for Jones' customers. Sweet couples, really.

And dogs at Jones are also getting cuter. They come without leashes and often run up to us to beg for food and water. We'd drop them crackers or meat and bones with the permission of their owners. And sometimes they'll share their stash with their new found friends at the next table. That was the spirit Jones tries to inculcate within their premises. Its like their communal dining concept adopted from Australia. Bet my manager would be so glad even dogs are getting the gist of it. HAHA.

Rest days coming up before a full week of Breakfast schedules. :D

The uncertainty of what the future may bring keeps me anxious. The possibilities I face with each passing day draws me closer to the fact that I may fail in what I've set myself up for. Nonetheless I optimistically note that the faith I keep is sufficient to last me throughout.

Now it seems like change is something I'd want to resist very much. What if it changed? Would it be for the better or for the worse? And suddenly, the only things that matter, becomes the variety of outcomes that I may encounter. I suppose the things I do, feel, react and behave each day would play a part in creating the desired outcome. So I guess the best way to start was to carry that positive mindset and always keep faith (as usual).

Right syl. Keep faith. Phew!
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Forgotten Groceries and the Wait-er

2010-09-26T02:56:00.003+08:00

Dawned on me that I had to pen this down before I really sleep off my night.

Was tasked to handle an entire station today with 10 tables. It was a pretty exciting task for me, considering it was only my 3rd day at work. And the responsibility was large enough for me to be proud of. Anyhoos, customers today were fun, probably because they were mostly Caucasians. They were really fun to talk to, and they made my afternoon really enjoyable - especially since I was legally chatting with customers of Jones, and not staff of Jones. Closing was really hectic, felt it was a little more challenging than the breakfast crowd. It was probably because we had to keep turning down guests who still wanted to get desserts and drinks when the bar has closed. Maybe it was still easier to say yes or give them some hope and possibility, than to say no entirely. Just being typically Sylvia down here.

Met a couple of interesting people too. One was an Australian graduate. Another a Singaporean entrepreneur. A pair of Hong Kong couples with strange entangled ties. Three families with children in Secondary school. And Paresh. These people made the biggest impression today. And since its about people, and Jones' customers, I shall keep my views of them and any other opinion, emotion, feeling or thought within my diary.

The last thing that stirred me to blog was this sentence my colleague Dominic planted in me today during dinner break. He said something like this, 'You just started, so you'll naturally be excited to do everything and anything. But wait a little longer; once you find out the politics and happenings around Jones, and the promises they often break, you'll just lose that thing for the job.

So it struck me reallll hard. Was I going to be like my colleagues, cursing and swearing at every single thing that goes wrong within the cafe? Would I be so unhappy going to work and lose that passion to be proactive in serving the customers who love Jones? Would I start to dread talking to customers and giving them my best? Will I start to skive and avoid responsibilities? Will I ultimately become one of them?

That thought really sucked. The thought of me not being able to hold out through the 6 months with the same sort of passion I still carry for the job. I still like the place. Still love the people. Still happy to serve customers. And still excited when I anticipate the type of customers I would get during my shift. But what if one day all the excitement fades and I was never happy with the people in the place? That's me being absolutely pessimistic.

All I know is, I'm aiming for the perfect GPA this semester. And I want to get that score from my boss, without any form of hesitation or doubt. I want it straight from him without any reluctance. I want him to award me that score because he simply had no choice but to. And to attain that, I have to put it that amount of effort to achieve it. Besides, the thought of me not being to hold out on the job with the same kind of passion frightens me. That fear lingers on and on because I know it was also a test of endurance and determination. And it also susses out just exactly how much something would mean to me.

So there. *phew* At least I let it out before I slept tonight.

ALL THE BEST TO EVERYONE ELSE AND ME ON ANY JOB. Syl shall be prove the world wrong! :D

Cheese and Peter.

2010-09-25T02:22:00.001+08:00

Thought it would be a good idea to keep track of my days in Jones the Grocer here. May come in handy when the interim reports are due.

Second day of work was the usual. Hanged around the alfresco area with Adren where he taught me how to handle more than 2 plates on a hand, and also the ways to clear plates when there was more than 1 customer dining in. So it was clockwise, starting with the plate with the most wastage. Orders had to be taken from females first, and wine should be served to the hosts first then clockwise.
Ran drinks and food in the middle of the shift. Got bored and started to polish cutlery and the stainless steel bar counter. Drank heaps of honey and sugar syrup too to combat the symptoms of sore throat from the bad weather. I also received my nametag, uniform and apron from Jay. He said he would have to fine me 5 bucks for any piece of uniform I forgot to bring or wear, and 50 bucks if I refused to return them the full set when I end. Heh. I just nodded. And that summed up my second day.

Third day at Jones was Training & Food Tasting day. Sat down with my fellow mates for the summer internship programme at one of the communal tables at Jones the Grocer. So there was Charissa, my mate since day 1 who was a part timer taking Mass Communications back in Ngee Ann. She was getting a better pay, and she was really nice! And she seemed to really love food. :x Met Jesslyn too, another Ngee Ann student taking Tourism and Resort Management. And David, a Temasek Polytechnic final year student in Hospitality and Tourism Management. He seemed to know There.sa and Shirleneee too! But he didn't know them well. Oh wells. Missed the girls for abit.

So then we met Peter Lee, our F&B Manager and also our Liaison Officer. He was managing both outlets, in Dempsey and Mandarin Gallery. Chatty, witty and full of vigor. That was exactly how he was like the whole time he was with us. He never ran out of topics to talk about, and he was often more interested in listening than anything else. He just got back from a holiday, and heaps of regular customers actually dropped by intentionally to say hi and update him on what has been going on during the time he wasn't around. And that, was awesome to me.

We ordered everything on the menu to taste. And had drinks. Peter then went through the details, like a brief history, the customer service sequence, some basic tasting and eating habits of customers, and some random nonsense. We then had a tour around the store and landed up at the Deli. We ate heaps of cheese at the Deli. Soft, firm and hard cheese. Blue, Brie, Cheddar, Parmesan, etc. We ate so much we felt like puking. But fortunately we were just tasting. Apparently, goat's milk cheese were the most pungent. We ate heaps of Ham and Olives too. And at the end of it we almost died satisfied.

We ended off the day at the POS system, as we received our staff pin, and thumb print verification. And I went to surpise Zhuang with a dinner date! :D
Ahshean and Flo were like the best mates on Earth!

And that was the third day. Decomposed at home the whole of today. Watched drama and chatted online till dinner. And now I can't wait for later! :D

Okay. Off to sleep I go!

Today
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I'm (gonnabe) the Grocer.

2010-09-22T00:52:00.000+08:00

Race was tiring, but a million times more fun than the previous year's. Racers were highly competitive, which made it all the more challenging and exciting for us. (Okay, I know it should have been challenging and exciting for the Racers in the first place lol)

The weekend before the start of my internship felt neutral. Didn't exactly anticipate much. It felt like the holidays after O levels all over again. Uniforms, daily briefings, difficult customers and product knowledge. Nothing else I could anticipate. The walk around the grocery store on Sunday excited me a little, since I knew that one day - I would be familiar with the hundreds of products they sold.

To jolt my heart to make it race a little before the start of my new job, I decided to go for a hair cut, and stayed up late planning my next art piece that I aimed to accomplish before October (which was soon approaching). All these took priority over the competition script I was supposed to send over a long time back. I wonder why, but I just heeded my gut.

First day at work and no one expected me. None of my sups were there either. I mean, I didn't expect a grand welcome or extremely excited faces - at that instant when I wasn't known to be the new employee, I realised that I might not receive my paycheck on time the next month, and would probably be expected to mature much faster on my own around the work stations much quicker since they didn't prepare any materials to prep me up for the job.

And as I started to foretell how my hours for the days would come to pass, the floor manager for the day randomly threw me to run food for the breakfast menu, and gave me 5 minutes to memorize ingredients and differences in the food and drinks listed.

Drinks were pretty easy. They served mainly coffee for breakfast, and a variety of flavored tea. The variations in the coffee were just milk, foam, chocolate, ice cream or additional syrup or a different sort of milk. Tea was slightly harder. I still have trouble trying to differentiate them with my nose. Earl Grey. The English Breakfast. Chamomile. Green Mango. Forest Berries. The scent of the tea was pretty mild the first 20 seconds when tea leaves were first soaked in hot water. And that was usually the trouble - especially when I was serving two different teas and was expected to tell them apart on the spot with my nose so I could plop them in front of the right person.

Food was much more fun. But dealing with the Chefs weren't. They were pretty much a grumpy lot in the kitchen once they start to get really tied up with orders. One error in the order when keyed in at the POS system would almost immediately garner an instantaneous yell from the kitchen. I don't know if I should congratulate the store for installing such an efficient IT system, or feel bad for my colleague for his clumsy fingers. All the same, my ears began to stay alert for the ring of the bell when dishes were ready to be served. I would almost enthusiastically sprint to the kitchen to grab food. Firstly; to not hear more yells from the Chef. Secondly; to ease the workload of my already busy colleagues. Thirdly; to make myself look busy. And lastly; to make myself feel useful. The plates were often scalding hot though, and my poor fingers suffered much for an hour until my colleague told me to prep the plates up with tissue so it wouldn't feel THAT hot. Whatever the temperature though, the delighted faces of the customers when they were served their breakfast piping hot were priceless.

Taking orders was pretty much simple - for breakfast. There was only so much one person would order from the menu because of the large portions that the food came in. So I was pretty confident without a notepad and a pen, and I relied entirely on memory. Halfway through the day I started to fumble on my orders and started scribbling half the orders instead to ease the load on my brain. And my pen failed on me several times, which made me feel utterly paranoid. Especially during lunch when the menu was more crammed with food items and dishes were far more complicated and had lengthier names.

Jones the Grocer provided great service I guess. And much of it came from the pro-activeness of the employees themselves. Especially since they weren't told much about how much more they were supposed to do for each customer. I'm not saying that I provided great service - but I just thought my colleagues were often exceptionally nice to the customers around. Whether or not they were genuinely being nice I do not bother, I just see the effort put in and feel an absolute necessity to put in just the same amount of effort too, and more.

My first 8 hours at work passed real quick. And I loved the moments when it was really packed. The constant need to keep approaching new people kept me excited. Up-selling drinks was my favorite hobby for the day. And the customers usually bought the trick. It was also the first job that actually allowed me to receive tips. Initially I would happily dump it all into the tip jar for employees at the cashier. I'd feel real proud of that. I caught glimpses of my colleagues smiling at me when I did it too and smiled back, thinking that I did something good. But afterward I got to know that no one actually dropped their tips into the jar unless the customers dropped it in themselves, and tips were usually kept for themselves if the customers left it behind on the table. I felt dumb after that. And my colleagues were grateful for some time and regretted that they even told me about it.

Dogs were welcomed by the store. They had water trays prepared for any animal that dropped by for breakfast with their owners.

And that summed up my first day. Left out the rest that weren't exciting. But I wrote them elsewhere. I had a day off the next day, right after my first day at work. And I was expected to undergo proper training with my sup on Wednesday - so I'm kinda looking forward. I want to do better. Do great. Be the best there is. Not too ambitious I hope. But nonetheless exciting enough.

Jones jones, how much I'll love you in the months to come.

Hope floflo will cope fine in her new office! And may things turn out better in the days to come. As they alwayyyys say; you'll always see rainbows after the rain. May zhuangzhuang not be entangled in messy office politics too. And may she keep pace with the speed of her colleagues in the office to prepare materials in time for the big events approaching!
May all else be fine when byong hee's there. (:

Off to sleep. And to a great Wednesday to everyone.

Cheers!
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Crumbs

2010-09-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

Crumbling was pretty much a success. Probably because I'm starting to feel the way I feel right now. I've felt this way before. Hooray to starting anew syl! Sylvia has now officially lost all that she could once hold on to to hide or run away.

May I discover those that I've lost, rediscover what I've missed , and love the people around me more than ever. Its times when I lose focus on the important details in life because of emotions that turn me upside down. Then I start to make mistakes. And I hate to admit them. But I guess now I need to face them.

All that ego's just not doing me any good. But I just wonder, is it really ego, or that wall that I've built around myself that keeps me from being honest with the world and even myself. I remember Chris telling me something about honesty recently - What's being honest really? Not telling is being honest too, because you're not lying. And then he ended with a consolation; that everyone had their own secrets.

A secret - its a part of everybody that is kept concealed from the world. But how many secrets can we keep from our friends without making them feel that we're deliberately keeping something from them and start to make them lose faith? How many lies do we have to tell to protect something that was only meant for us in the first place? How many people do we have to hurt along the way before we can really feel assured that the secrets remain a mystery?

People with their ego. People with their assumptions. People with crazy ideas and stereotypes about the world.

I'm just one of the many people around I guess.

Crumbs - now I wonder. Do I start piecing them together, or just search for new bread. Sigh (:

Finally, I'm starting to coming to my senses.

Painful Insights

2010-09-10T02:50:00.001+08:00

Don't know how I dug so deep, I uncovered a stash of hidden memories just at the back of my head. So tightly wrapped, so well disguised. Unpacking it felt surreal - the emotions and memories, those deeds were still fresh. They still prick and the emotions still sting. But maybe its fortunate for me to say that it didn't hurt as much as before.

I remember the days of oppression. The days where lies, love, friendship and immaturity reigned. The scar that it left on me - I guess its still there. It never left. Never healed. Never got bigger. Never went smaller. The betrayal. The rejection. The hurtful words. The sneering cuts. The painful rebellion.

Those days left me paranoid. They would never know how much they meant to me. Never know how much they've hurt me. And now they've moved on. Maybe its time I did too. Forgiven much. Those barriers have been removed. Forgotten are those times of hurt and sorrow. Or maybe it was only me that felt the hurt. Over-dependence. The fragile inkling of hope that diminished with an ignorant act. Maybe I expected too much of a friendship then at that age. But it cracked me. I guess I wasn't prepped up for that. Not in the right mind. Not in the right state. Didn't have that capability to take it out of the blue.

It's been years since then. Never knew how I kept it so well. All I know from them - was that it was just a typical joke on their part. One with much collaborative effort. A decision made based on hasty emotions. It saddens me more. Frightens me more.

I couldn't ask for more at that time - because I was still blessed with the people whom I still adore so much today. I just couldn't have everything in my favor before things could happen. They just do I guess. The way they're supposed to. And more than ever, I'd blame myself for this sheer lack in courage and strength - to let this come to pass.

I'm picking up pieces again. I feel the shards already. Its pricking me again - as if warning me of a repeat in history. The collaborative effort. The betrayal. The typical hurtful joke they could play. It explained my attitude towards friendships. It explained the emotions I carry and the straight perceptions, denials, paranoia and fear I have for the people I face each day.

I felt the same thing flash through my mind. Characters now fitting the roles then. The possibility of the repeat just haunts me every second I spend with them. Getting over paranoid. Surpressing emotions. It seems like there's no one else to turn to in this time of need, again.
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My Gift from Greece.

2010-09-04T11:34:00.001+08:00

Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

(: and that was my early birthday gift.
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My Lucid Dreams

2010-09-02T03:11:00.001+08:00

Indefinite rectangular route, white trails and gray mist.
Spiraling staircases and loud heavy breathing.
Armies of majestic gurkhas in robes of teal silk.
Routine marches; all the rigor and vigor.
Panting tirelessly with caution and fright, we clasped our hands and ran with all our might.
Unwanted attention and an uproar within the grand marble hall.
Beads of tears and sweat rolled off our faces.
Lives so precious, yet so hard to keep.
Heart shudders as the thought flashes through my head.
- that was all I could recall from my first recurring lucid dream.

My second lucid dream never fails to wake me up each day.
That familiar flight of steps to that old hawker center. The vibrations from the phone. And reading the exact same message from that exact same person just as I pass the bench.
The same emotions experienced too - from being on cloud nine, to deep down within my own living hell.

Sleeping well just gets harder.
I just need to self-regulate my need for attention, start to manage my own emotions better, than let it get the better of me.

And now I recall those days back on the lil couch, in that clinic. Maybe what she said was true. Maybe I'm only starting to feel it now at 18.

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The Prize Winning Petition

2010-08-22T02:54:00.002+08:00

it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
it is a major component in acid rain
it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
accidental inhalation can kill you
it contributes to erosion
it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

Guess a chemical. And decide if this chemical should be banned.

ROFL

Play with me.

2010-08-20T03:20:00.002+08:00

Yeah - she's playing that power game with me. Whatever - I'm determined to show her what I'm really worth.

Yeah - I would be disappointed should I fail the thing in the end. Whatever - I'm sure I'll be doubly disappointed if I walked out of that room with her telling everyone else I was defeated even before I fell.

Yeah - this whole egoistic decision might equate to sheer arrogance. Whatever - I know I'll never be able to face the world with my head held high if I didn't take up the challenge at that point of time.

Yeah - this hasty choice may lead to a clash in opinions with the most headstrong of people. Whatever - I'm sure managing people would just happen to come under my checklist of learning points.

Can't live with all that crushing me from within. ROAR.

At least for once; I can confidently say: I chose not to run away from my problems. And yeah, I'm gonna make sure I do this one good. The outcome doesn't matter much. What really does - is how much further I can push myself, and how they shall all crumble before me (particularly one, I actually like the rest somehow).

Gosh - and Zexuan's words keep going round in my head now. :/

I know how stubborn I get when it boils down to such matters.

No time for reconsiderations anyway, I'm just gonna keep going.

Felt like I just became a fickle-minded retard - but argh, my emotions just drive me to do the craziest of things some times. Shan't try to rationalize that anyway. No regrets till this date. And I live by that.

FTW!

Crumble.

2010-08-17T20:05:00.002+08:00

Something I stumbled upon a few minutes back kept me thinking. A quote from an English writer, Cyril Connolly.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Have I been writing in view of the opinions that the public might have of me after reading, or have I been scribbling true thoughts that regards nothing more than that of my own opinions? Have I lost myself in a bid to satisfy the world's perception and expectations of me?

Been struggling pretty much with myself recently. My lack of judgement. My consistently malfunctioning brain. My screwed up emotions. My indecisiveness. My escape routes just get longer and longer each day. So I keep digging in the wrong hole. Keep moving forward in the wrong direction. But who am I again to determine what's wrong and right?

Dwelling too much on how every little action of mine would cause certain reactions from the people around me. Then I start to focus too much on reacting to such reactions that I forget how I even derived the basic need to act on my own accord. What happened to wants and needs - when did I start to classify everything that I wanted as a selfish thought? How foolish.

So what if I were stressing upon every decision I make right now. Would I remember all these in the days ahead? Would it matter in the months to come? Occasionally I would pause to ponder about all the consequences that I may face with each decision I make. And no matter how small it was, I needed to be sure that I was making one with complete confidence and that it would lead to a favorable outcome. But somehow or another, I became less and less confident of the decisions I were to make. Was I becoming dumber to make wiser decisions? Or what?

There seems to be more to life than to constantly increase its speed. Having drowned myself with endless commitments and catching up with my over packed schedule over the past two years seemed nonsensical enough. Now slowing down has left me with tonnes of consequences I've yet to face. Its tough to say No, seriously. Busying myself is addictive - but exhaustive. Started to lose sight of the vision I used to have for my future. Kinda forgot when I started to live just for the expectations of the people up and above.

Even as I struggle to pick up the pieces of the mess that I somehow created along the way today, I realized the only person who could make a difference in my life, was me. To a certain extent, I even started to understand that the only change I could make to the world, was a change in myself. I began to feel very much upset with myself - knowing how little I have done, and how much more I could have done for the world that I live in. A big thank you to Gandhi for his wise words.

Maybe the best time to do something was some time back - but I guess the second best time to do anything that I could have done is Now.

Basically, all that I have strove for since 2 years before have come to naught with a single wrong step I decided to take in haste. Been living in self denial and criticism for a much longer period of time than I took count of. Shame and self pity comes along for most of it. The best way to describe this period of time was Hell on Earth - though I did experience sheer moments of pleasure and delight with the people I love in fleeting bits amidst my hellish crisis.

Now I'm starting to self destruct - a pretty good deal in exchange for a greater goal in the weeks to come. It shouldn't take long to be destroyed completely. I know every critical point I need to breakdown before I am completely broken. The only delay is the fear I would experience when taking that step towards exposing my core. This fear I have is almost indescribable. It was what drove me to building all the walls around myself - to become who everyone else wanted me to be. In essence, I just wasn't Sylvia.

I wonder how much this fear would break me from within, but no matter - I'm gonna crumble anyway. Knowing how much this fear of losing the things I took pride in holding on to was just enough to kill me - I believe that this step would only be the first of many I would need to take in the years to come. Besides, no matter how much that emotion would drive me mad, I know it wouldn't kill me just yet. I'm still going to live somehow. Its just how much I let that pride and hurt get to me. All in the state of my mind.

My first step starts tomorrow. Gonna take the morning and noon to pluck courage to take that step forward. I know how much persuasion, discomfort and guilt I'll be put through. No matter - I need to stand firm. Yes, I will let some people down. I will disappoint them in many areas. Maybe they'll feel shorthanded. Maybe even shortchanged. Feel angry, frustrated or confused. May they live and let live. Because I know the only person that I will disappoint the most should I continue this journey I was led to take on, is myself. And for who else should I live my life for? Utterly grateful for the best mates I have with me - I know they'll watch over me as I pull through.

They say that motivation and excellence is a habit. And habits are to be cultivated over time - like a repetitive cycle over various different routes. So I need to start from the basics. My only saving grace is the start of a new semester in a totally new environment - away from the hustling lifestyle I once led back in school. May this change spur some new emotions, shed some new light, and refresh my perspective of the world yet again. Maybe serving others would be the best way for me to discover who I really am again. And now I'm looking forward to this change in my reality - where I'm faced with totally new and different responsibilities.

Leaving all the clutter behind. Cheers to all the wanderers in the world who're just like me. At least we're wandering, and not entirely lost.

Because I hide under blankets.

2010-08-15T02:45:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I just wished I was thinking way too much. Because I know I think a lot. But I never doubted the feelings I had for everything and everyone around me.

Sometimes I trust the feelings I have way too much. Because I know I feel a lot. But I never lost faith in the hearts of everything and everyone I believe in.

Right now, I'm losing it.
Thought too hard, thought too much.
Theres so much to this whole thing - it matters too much.

Clinging on to every word. I feel like such an idiot.
Too much pride in the way. I know how much I deny myself the right to feel the way I do.

All I want to say - all choked up within me. Doesn't take much to say those sentences, but it seems to cost me so much more. I'm afraid of something. Probably that fear is enough to make me cower behind sheer idiocy. How cowardly.

Focused so much on everything else, lost touch with what was more essential. The distance feels so much greater - or maybe vice versa was something I was never granted.

Still denying myself the right to want or need. Emptiness envelops me. I just don't have that right to make anything else happen. And I keep wondering what's on your mind.

Dilapidated; strewn pieces of thoughts all torn and worn.
Origins traced back to the times of a flashing Lighthouse and calm seas.
Never lose faith; but how much can I hold on to?
Tumbling down the hill of falsity;
Gregarious mornings have yet to arrive.
Opening doors that keep slamming shut on my face.

Ok?

Wise morning

2010-08-12T13:26:00.001+08:00

If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will;
Its all in the state of mind.

Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

The more you give, the more you get -
The more you laugh, the less you fret.

Sylvia, sylvia - she must never regret.
For the days to come and weeks to follow, the troubles have not come yet.

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Monotonous Jokes

2010-08-11T19:44:00.001+08:00

Monotonous morning - curled up on bed and listened to the Morning Express crew on Class 95 with little interest. Paid attention to the occasional splatter of footsteps across the roads and the roaring engines of cars as they spun off to join the morning road jam.

Attempted to dismantle my Blackberry on my bed in my half-blind state to much horror. Pieced it back together again and waited for Ebi to tuck under my comforter with me, to my dismay.

Dragged myself out of bed and opened the blinds to let some light into the room. Stood by the windows and eavesdropped on the annoying chatter of the ladies with their grocery bags boasting about their cheap bargains from the market.

Felt a slight tickle at my feet - bent down to pick up the dental floss ropes Ebi left beside me and threw it for her to fetch. Made the bed, and greeted my aunt and uncle before washing up to welcome the brand new day.

Describing the little details of my morning can be so much more interesting to write - but boring to read. Something that took 10 minutes to write can be read in less than 2 minutes.

Monotonous journey to school. Everything sounds so flat and lame. Lifeless interpretation of everything around me. Lazy reaction and replies from my idling mind. I refuse to give anything any extra thought or effort. Refuse to be active or sober today.

Relying entirely on my subconscious effort to do the things I need to do today. Eradicating all my wants and desires of the world from this moment just to experience sheer emptiness. Maybe this is just how ordinary any other ordinary life can get.

Super heroes. Beautiful fairies. Intelligent philantrophists. Jovial entertainers. Meticulous caretakers. Handsome samaritans. And every other perfect being we can ever dream of becoming.

That's the catch I suppose. If dreams are wishes your heart makes, then what are dreams your mind creates?

Far-fetched are the greatness we desire to achieve sometimes. All the crazy ideologies of perfection and precision. Materialistic desires that set our expectations so high.

Complaints. Disgrace.
Ambitions. All the craze.

People are fleeting towards a new fantasy lifestyle. Where maturity, sexuality, confidence, independence, wealth and health are all relative - to them.
The duration of a marriage, the terms of a certificate, the criteria for a soul mate, the expectations on the bed, the limitations on their freedom, the ever-changing wants from a companion.

Oh how crazy this whole thing becomes. What a topic to harp on at 19 though.

Back to ordinary - Extra ordinary.

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Ultimate Retail Therapy

2010-08-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

Became really moody today - halfway through SM at least. Rambled through the presentation, I don't think I made much sense. Any oh how. I just hope the tutor appreciates the details I spent ages on. If I know him well enough, he should be glad we went the extra mile.

Watched Sherlock Holmes and Meet The Robinsons in the library with Zhuang after class today. The plots were great - kept me entertained most of the afternoon.

Waited for Flo - she did well for her Sales Solution Call. (: We somehow looked tired, probably because of all the late nights recently. Decided to hit a salon since Zhuang was heading home soon for dinner but landed up in MOS filling our tummies instead.

We chatted. Gossiped a little.
Ate our fill and left. Zhuang went home. Flo and I decided to spree for shoes.
Thought some retail therapy could lift my spirits up before the day ended.

Trained down to Vivo to catch the last opening hour of the day and walked straight to the shoes shop. Couldn't resist trying those pretty ones on. Once I tried them on, I couldn't resist bringing them home with me. Brought 3 pairs home today. Hah - felt like I just made 6 new friends in an hour from 3 different places.
Interestingly - Flo was unable to find a good pair of gladiators amidst the vast variety displayed on the shelves.

Now on the way home, I wonder about all the other things I want to do tomorrow and the next few weeks. Life's just too short to me some times. To some extent, I feel like my life's just slightly shorter than I would expect it to last.

Oh wells. Life's simple pleasures are yet again so short lived. Still've got much to discover and learn - guess I'd better make full use of the short life I have to learn all I can and do all I can to make my world a much better place to live in before I go.

Maybe my 6 new friends can shed some light on new routes and paths that I may take. (:

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Practical Extremity

2010-08-08T22:07:00.001+08:00

Landed rock bottom - and I have only myself to blame.
Lost focus in life, I lost my drive, and now I'm going insane.
Took a step back and I'm pondering the options that I have left to take;
I choose the extremes - I want to be free of the chains that rule my fate.

My ego's crushing me from within and my heart's all shattered and torn.
Piecing together the shards from the clutter - my blood flows even more.
Drained of time, I'm hit by the karma I built up over time;
Now I am nothing but I know I have something - my choices, my name, my voice.
The race to be different, do well and be quicker; the stakes are painfully high.
Slow down a little? Take some short breaks and you'll be ousted before you can cry.
This is cruelty, but this is reality; this is the life we were born to live.

Short lived are the simple pleasures that create happiness and love;
Longevity bestowed upon pain that hurt.

Maybe this is our destiny - the world we see in scrutiny is all but just a game.

Now back to the stakes, consequences of the choices I make - can I really afford so much?
The time, some gains, the effort and pain; will they all just vanish in vain?

Scripted answers, structured stories and an adjusted emotion and state - I'm sure I'm prepared to face the music in the days and weeks ahead.
How true am I to myself I wonder - how true have I been to them?
The trust and hope and faith they gave me, oh how terribly I've failed them all.

Left to clear my own darn mess - how much can anyone interfere.
To hell with those stupid remarks and ideas. Damn the times when you praised yourself sky high for your greatness in work.

Keeping faith. I'm still trusting and resting in his finished works.
Stay by me, no matter what comes my way.
Hold on to me, and never let go. Never let me go astray.
Be my solace, my only outlet for emotions hidden beneath.
Dry my tears and keep my promises.
I really need this now.

Still keeping faith. I shut my eyes and stand firm on my ground - alone, I wait for all that I will face. I know I can do it, with his grace.
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Uncouth

2010-08-05T13:07:00.001+08:00

Doing a marketing project on the NEL can be kinda fun - especially when there's a real marketing executive seated beside you through the journey.

A little more off the usual look you would expect from a marketing veteran (he proclaimed that he has been on the job for 15 years), he was quick to brush off any doubts from his client with boisterous exclamations of marketing deals and company achievements that he had under his belt.

Well, I admit - I learnt a little about the GAP analysis from him, since he was explaining so loudly through his iPhone the different strategies he was going to propose to reduce the operational gap. But, interestingly, through that same mouth that gave me such golden information, came the sound of a familiar lingo from secondary school I soooo missed.

You know how people say 'It Sucks' right?
He went, 'It Saaaarrrrkkksss man.'
Or how people say 'He'll screw me bad'?
He went, 'Later he come and hooot me ah'
Or even how people usually say 'They'll think I'm some show off.'
He went, 'Later they think I act dua pai how?!'

Ok. To piece it up - his dialogue went something like this.

"You got see the other company's marketing proposal anot? I tell you, it saaaarrrrkkksss man. Not blowing my trumpet or what lah. You better don't spread or later he come and hooot me ah. You know lah, later they think I act dua pai how! I already in the business for 15 years plus cannot help."

Gosh. What's with me and eavesdropping.
So much for being civilized and educated though. Hah!
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The First Word that Matters

2010-08-04T23:09:00.001+08:00

Maybe its self - conditioned.
It seems that only one emotion flows out.
Will, was all it took to keep the rest inside.
Hurt inflicted on old scars afresh;
When will it heal when they keep bleeding like that?
You slit, you bruise - you could kill with words.
Leave the gregarious dreams to flamingos and trees.
Me, myself and maybe I.
One promise, no other, its hard to define.
Day and night - I'll try take flight.

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Webster's Math Game

2010-08-01T23:02:00.003+08:00

Brain's been burning, jamming, and running none stop today.
Took several breaks to ease the tension but arghh - the throbbing never ceases.
Been staring at the screen for close to 12 hours today, and Ebi's been really nice to distract me at hourly intervals.

All this time alone kept my brain working - I couldn't be sure I was entirely focused on the figures displayed on the screen.
From time to time, my imagination took flight; otherwise I'd be so bogged up within myself I'd have to shift myself about to take a breather.

Funny as it may seem - the most interesting encounter I had today was with my uncle.
He was using the desktop today as usual, when he suddenly got a phone call. Looked pretty stern when he hung up.
He faced the screen, tapped the mouse a couple of times - and he opened Microsoft Excel 2003.

He started to type numbers in sequence, then in patterns, then all over. He typed so many I lost count of the number of cells he filled in.
And amazingly - woah. The sum of each row and column of the cells of the entire rectangular area of numbers equaled 8801.

Rubbing his arm feeling satisfied with his work, he looked at me and asked if I was wondering what he was doing. Nodding, he grinned with delight, and started to explain to me how he was actually doing a Summation Series to keep his brain active, while proving to his friend that he could still remember how to complete a summation series without aid.

Gosh - it was insane.

Ok. Back to work; back to burning, jamming and running.

The Law of Double Jeopardy

2010-07-31T13:04:00.001+08:00

Rooth's returning from Shanghai today! And my heart's thumping faster with excitement with each passing second.

Sometimes I'd long for more seconds in a minute, more minutes in an hour, and more hours in a day. I find it ridiculous to express the many instances where my heart desired an extension of a fantasy which felt like reality.

Rash as it may seem - I often trap myself in overt emotions and lock myself in. I'm dying to aggravate a sudden drive towards something I've yet to discover.

Balancing the qualms of insecurities and insatiable curiosity with everything else worthwhile. I'm still trying to discover my sweet spot in life.

Maybe I'll enjoy the benefits of the law of double jeopardy.
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Glorious Moments

2010-07-30T15:38:00.001+08:00

Who would ever know the little joys and happiness experienced by our mentors and principals when they see us do well - I wonder.

No matter how strict or firm they may be towards us, no matter how we used to show displeasure when they give us assignments or advice - they still smile with utmost pride when they see us do our best.

Today I see our dear principal of Ngee Ann. A youthful looking man with a side part in a smartly pressed, grey shirt, a blue tie neatly done, dress pants and shoes. He warmly congratulates each and every student by name, as they go up to him gracefully to accept a gift he gave. He proudly hands over the certificate to the student, pats his shirt, and dusts his tie and smiles eagerly to snap a shot.

At that moment. I felt loved by this man who dedicated his life to education and building up the younger generations.

Hustling and bustling about the stage right now trying to greet the donors who so willingly joined his venture in building up the lives of even more students this year, he busies himself with reassuring students that they look good. And positions them with grace and happiness on stage to get them ready for a shot. He then quickly thanks them and extends him hands out to usher them to the reception and tells them he would be there to join them soon.

This is greatness I truly admire. And I feel deeply honored to be sponsored by him through my years in Ngee Ann. (:

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Ebi's Special Friday

2010-07-30T11:09:00.004+08:00

My cousin's flying back today to spend the weekend with me! Haven't seen her in quite a bit. Missed her travel stories and photo sharing sessions. But I guess that wouldn't even be possible if she didn't travel that much! haha! How ironic.

Just flew up to cloud nine and roamed about for a bit before I was pulled back down to Earth by the events and tasks to complete before the end of the week.

Scholarship presentation today's gonna be a little monotonous. Going through the whole regime is gonna be tedious - but I guess that's how we show appreciation to the people who so willingly donated money to students to motivate them to work harder. I'm only looking forward to the tea reception at the end of it, better be worth the wait!

The afternoon jog yesterday showed me how quickly my physical condition has deteriorated over the past few weeks. Time to train up - slow and easy, again! Need to build up some lung capacity to ensure I breathe healthily for the next few decades (I hope!) So I've decided to keep running each Friday during Balympics, while learning a new sport!

Balympic's pretty successful I must admit. And I'm really proud of the committee. True to their words, they never lost faith, never lost focus, and were always keeping pace to ensure all their tasks and deadlines were completed and met. Huuuuurah to them! :D

Loved Tchoukball last Friday. Gonna love Frisbee today! :D And I look forward to Aly's home baked pastries! :D Gosh, since when was BA society so fun! :D
Gosh - and all that NPSU meetings and tea receptions are seriously lame but addictive. FREE FOOD on top of heaps of laughter and jokes with Keh Lim, Lynn and Aly. <3!

Rain's pouring endlessly, and the weather's great for any thing special! And today is special. (:

Maybe great things will happen today! And maybe we'll all be rewarded with rainbows after the rain! *cross fingers!*

And now, off I go.

With all due respect.

2010-07-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

Because it crushes.
Maybe what I do may be just too overbearing for one.
Because it hurts.
Maybe what I say may be unjustifiable for another.
Because it neglects.
Maybe what I feel may be biased towards one.
Because it kills.
Maybe the consequences will drown me in sorrow.

That's about all I will do, and all I can do.
Maybe getting hurt in the process just sucks - because you know your actions are not creating that positive end.
So much for no expectations.
No expectations of the people around me, yes.
No expectations of myself - no.
I hate to spell it out, but I think I've just dumped myself into a bed of thorns.
Because it hurts on any side I turn.

My emotional roller coaster just took a dip for the day. Heart's screaming without a sound. Maybe hiding under the silky covers of the comforter will make me feel comforted. Beautiful tunes from the saxophone - maybe that'll smother the cuts. My quiet surroundings may just be the perfect companion at this time of the day.

Time for work.
Time for rest.
Time for wounds to heal.

13 hours and 20 minutes.

2010-07-27T11:12:00.001+08:00

Woke up today with emptiness.

The Morning Express crew on Class 95.0 did no magic today. Ebi was sleeping soundly by my side, oblivious to the emotions around her. So the curtains flowed with the morning breeze that streamed in, as if consoling me, telling me that all was alright.

Got up expressionless.

Took a deep breath, mustered up some strength and adjusted some facial muscles to greet my uncle and aunt a good morning with that usual morning cheer. Then I took a long shower to make up for all that energy use.

Strolled out, breathing deeply.

The morning air is still as crisp. Cars still hustling and aunties bustling in the neighborhood. So much remains the same while so much has changed.

Anticipation.
The pursuit of an ever changing paradise.
Hopeful.
Maybe brighter, more colorful days have yet to come.

My faux optimism level is scaring me. Shallow expressions that shadow the emotions deep within.
Not afraid to fall - I'm not sure how it'll be.

Maybe time is all it takes to do everything possible. But there are just some things time cannot erase.

Its alright to turn away - I'll still be here. No matter.

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Like you.

2010-07-26T23:57:00.001+08:00

Kept awake by that flighty emotion.
Even the strongest pills aren't making me sleep.
The need. The want.
The things I can give. The things I can't ask of. The things I want to receive.

Keeping up with hopes and dreams. Holding on to the faith I've always believed in.

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5 Street Lights

2010-07-23T03:34:00.001+08:00

Give something. Take something.
Say something. Hear something.
Do something. Don't do some things.
Get something. Throw something.
Remember something. Forget something.
Pamper something. Neglect something.
Write something. Erase something.
Drop something. Pick up something.
Type something. Backspace something.
See something.
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Its getting colder.

2010-07-17T23:50:00.001+08:00

A lil' more unusual than usual.
I need to start writing more.
Need more quality time with myself, some space to breathe and more room to think.
Been searching for answers in vain.
I lost sight of most of my life; lost control and focused on emptiness.
Feet's cold, heart's colder; eyes closed, my heart closes.
Grey skies loom above my head, I look up and raindrops sashay.
Pillows, blankets and lots of hugs from my teddies and bolster.
Ribbons, bow ties and pretty lillies. Balloons, frills and lace.
Comfort from the cushion, the silence, the pain.
Hypocrisy unveiled - I need to reign.
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The World is in Conflict.

2010-07-15T07:26:00.001+08:00

Moon river, wider than a mile. I'm crossing you in style, some day.
You dream maker, you heart breaker; where ever you're going, I'm going your way.

Two drifters, off to see the world. There's such, a lot of world to see.

Remember the same rainbow's end.
Waiting round the bend.
My huckleberry friend.
Moon river - and me.

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A little more each day.

2010-07-14T14:26:00.002+08:00

Sitting alone in the library cafe can be so... unnerving.
Not sure why, but I've been really uptight about everything else I guess. Not sure if I show it but I'm sure I'm feeling it quite bad.

I stare at the trees, the grass, the taxis that zoom past and all the construction work happening opposite at the new block 73 - everything's changing.
Then why am I so rigid and resistant to change?

Sigh. I really wanna type more - but I'm becoming so resistant to even expressing myself on this journal.

Time to be honest with myself somewhere else. Hope it wouldn't hurt that much.

Fridays with French Fries

2010-07-09T08:48:00.000+08:00

Woke up today craving for french fries, when I realised I was having a bad throat already. Oh, how the body tortures itself sometimes. :(

I recall vividly the scenes and tunes from The Sound Of Music by Julie Andrews. Its been one of the best shows I've watched in my life. And the songs are classic. Kinda brought my spirits up at the end of the day, so thank God for that.

The night at the nature park was creepy. Felt weird stares, a presence, noises and sudden movements all about. Freaked me out quite a bit. But nonetheless, it made me want to watch horror even more.

Maybe Ngee Ann's against all that horror crap - I could hardly find a decent horror movie in their racks. :( sigh. Shall contemplate if I should fill up the resource purchasew form to get the library to buy more horror titles. Haha!

Last day of the 1st week of July! The end of this first semester is drawing near and I've yet to enjoy enough of Ngee Ann before I leave for internship. :(
Thank god again for the freedom to roam the island during my work hours! :)

Its a great morning! Filled with music, chatter and lots of fun! :)
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Another writer.

2010-07-06T20:10:00.000+08:00

Today I felt that my groans were heard by God. Or it was his miraculous anonymous gifts that did some magic to my life.

I'm starting to take baby steps towards another route in life.

Stood firm in decisions I've made recently - just wondering how these decisions could have changed my life entirely if I decided otherwise, and how it would have affected the people around me.

I'm starting to discover real, true love. Not a boy-girl relationship kinda thing. I'm talking about love - for my friends, my peers, strangers, colleagues, elders, relatives, family, school, environment, food, modules, happenings, strangers, or just the world.

It struck me just yesterday. I told 2 people I was a little upset that I couldn't find a way to care or be there for them, just as they had for me. Felt like I was a bad friend.

Then I wondered.

Why would I feel bad? Why do I insist on doing something for them? Why did I have to persist to find out if they lack something or were in need of something they don't have?

Then I concluded somehow, that maybe, I wasn't capable enough to be there for them. Maybe I was just not mature enough to handle their problems. Maybe I was never there at the right moments to be by their side. Or maybe, I haven't listened enough.

So now. I thought the best way to be a good friend - was to be stronger. Be braver. Be more capable. Grow up. Be always there for them when they need somebody. Listen even more. And keep them dear by me.

I hope I can be better. For better or worse. And I'm really really glad they've stood by me.

Treasuring the things around me as much as I can. I hope I'm not holding on too much.
Right now, I just need a spurt of courage and boost in confidence to do what I need to do.

So many people with hopes placed on me. What happens if I choose to let them down? Will I ever do that? Sometimes I feel like one day I might do something so darn irresponsible like that to kick myself in the butt and drown myself in shame and misery.

Just a thought. I'll work hard I hope.

Christmas Party.
Fund Raisers.
Camps.
Sports.
Competitions.
Projects.
Life. <3!
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Mistakes laden

2010-07-01T18:46:00.002+08:00

I currently feel it all come upon me - I feel like I've been committing tonnes of mistakes, small ones, big ones.
Each and every one of them are coming back to haunt me one by one.
And I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling really down because of them. In fact, I'm starting to feel defensive, over my actions. Are they really wrong? Or is it just me? Or is it the different perspective someone may have over the same action I am doing?
I'm not sure.
All I know is I'm put down. I've been defeated by my emotions. I've allowed my mistakes to overthrow my determination to improve.

The Good and Bad

2010-06-27T09:12:00.000+08:00

I'm suddenly struck by the possibility, that I might have Karma.

It was proven to me in the past 5 minutes, that good begets good. And evil, would only beget evil.

When I boarded the bus to Ngee Ann, I found a seat, and sat down. But when an elderly looking lady came on board, I gave up my seat to her. Now that's just gonna mean that I've got good karma right.
Within minutes after I settled down in another seat at the back of the bus, I was shown concern, by an uncle who was asking if I needed to close the air con because of my sniffing.

In an instance, I realised such karma stuff could exist. I'm not trying to praise myself here.

What I'm trying to say is, what about the times when I hurt the people around me. Say things that stung. Did things that never considered the other party? What about the times when I had caused emotional trauma - in my own senseless bid to 'save' the other person from 'more' hurt? What about the times when I would just crazily plunge into selfish foolishness and forgo everything else the world has done for my because of my rashness and impulsion?

I feel like a spoilt brat. Like the only person I've ever considered was myself. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that maybe I've taken measures to care for another person - it just boils down to the fact that I'm just naively thinking everyone else thinks and reacts the same way I do.

And for that. I know I'll have bad karma. Really bad karma.
And today I add two more words to my list. Think more. Do more. Speak less.
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What a world

2010-06-25T14:53:00.001+08:00

Had a feast with my sister today for lunch. Burgers, takos, drinks, pastry, soup and all the weird snacks you can find in a pasar malam.

Nothing exotic, but extremely fulfilling. Spent some time chit chatting too. :) I'm really proud to be the sister of my sister. Haha!
She's really easy going. Really trusting. And full of life. :) Times spent with her are always filled with lots of fun and laughter. :)

The journey on the train to school feels a lil colder than usual - literally. The only way to keep warm was to keep moving. My eye flit around to scan my surroundings, with people moving to the rhythm of the song playing from my playlist.

Secondary school students spending the last of their holidays out in pretty dresses and polished shoes. Primary school kids hanging out with their parents with stern faces, wondering when they could leave their side and become 'independent'.

How fun it is, to be just taking your time to do the things you wanna do. Taking time to rest in the finished work of the Omega. I'll find rest in all that I do. :)

I'm starting to regain composure from my insane self. My fleeting thoughts, and extreme emotions. I'm not even focused on anything.

I owe the world too many things. I need to catch up. I don't want to miss out. I want to do more. :)
Speak less. Do more. Maybe I should do just that.
Speak less. Do more.
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I'll make you sing.

2010-06-24T22:31:00.001+08:00

I know I can make believe that decisions, no matter how hard it is to make them, are easy to follow through. I shall follow through, no matter how slight the doubt.

But I guess I could use a wish right now. :|

Today was fun. :) Zhuangzhuang serenades the world with her voice. :) and the fun explodes when she sets her emotions free. :D

Time to get to work now! :D
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The beauty of believing.

2010-06-23T22:58:00.000+08:00

Expectations. Expectations. Expectations.
Its drowning me. If only we really could be that kid in our hearts. When we never expected anything from anyone.

We could only hope. Hold on to dreams. And do all we could to fulfill them.

Now everyone's throwing something at me.
To improve. To follow. To lead. To set. To do. To understand. To read. To listen. To learn. To show. To tell.

Roar. Okay. I'm just ranting.

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Clarity, Peace, Serenity

2010-06-21T10:57:00.000+08:00

Not sure why, but I've so many things going on in my mind, I can't decide what I should write about. I've been whirling around the same few topics in my head, I'm going crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if my irrational decisions would bring me harm than good - and I concluded that it might just bring me to my doom.

I'm gonna need to start yet another rigid routine to keep me on task and on track. Keep faith. Keep trusting. Keep loving. Keep sharing. Keep believing. Keep growing. Keep helping. Keep holding on to all that I hold on to.

I just have to keep to it.
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Its Vertex today!

2010-06-19T07:26:00.000+08:00

As usual, HighPoint was again, at its peak. Zero cost, lots of sponsorship and a office full of passionate and sincere people who made the entire event possible. I'm touched by how much they've persevered without much effort, humbly citing great accomplishments to be made possible simply by the grace of God.

I recall much of what happened 2 years back when Vertex was brainstormed. I studied close to 80 words in the dictionary - in hopes of finding the best adjective that could describe the 5 pronged event we came up with. Steven back then was only the Halfway House Manager. And Melvin, Flo, Rooth and I were novices, taking a bet and jutting our heads into every possibility to generate the most out of our seed funding from Citibank.

The people I met then have grown up faster than me. Steven is now the Public Relations Manager who owns a DSLR with tonnes of lenses and does professional photo shoots.
Kenny has grown and gone out to work. Caleb has also gone out to work with his skills and great interpersonal skills. And now there's Jack with his great smile, sincerity and lots of spontaneity. Gabriel with his jokes and great personality. And a whole bunch of other people I really like. With Jessie, Angela and Ps Daniel and Ps Guna.

They always welcomed me to their place. And that kept me going back I guess. I feel at home. Much at home. (:

Its Vertex today - the highest point.
Great friends. Passionate volunteers. A willing heart. And lots of people who are gonna have fun. (:

We're gonna have a blast! And that, I know it! (:
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I'm ready

2010-06-13T08:13:00.000+08:00

A kind intention. A string of great acts. Little but powerful words. A gradual departure. An awkward goodbye.

'Perception is reality.' Still remember that smug look on his face when I heard that.

Interestingly, I just got this feeling I just fell to the bottom of a list - but because I was told I fell; I pushed a name to the top of my list.

I have this urge. This urge to hurt myself. Urge to hurt so bad I'll cry and just let go of every ambition and desire that I may have or hold on to.

Come to think of it - its kinda plausible, though unreasonable and dumb. Maybe this hurt may save me the effort of hurting others around me.

Or maybe I'm living in self denial all over again. It sucks. But my whole life seems unpromising right now. This hurt may just be my escapade from more hurt that I may face in reality.

I hate to reveal any form of desperation - but I feel it arising within me. I guess. Its almost time I face my problems with the purest of thoughts and prepare to be lashed.
I'll give myself some time now. Just some time.
To build more than just a wall of courage. But more than that.

At this juncture - I often wish for some thing I can rely on. But more often than not, such reliance may only give me more reason to run away.

Never giving in to whatever sadness that surrounds me. Can I?
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Failed for Good

2010-06-12T14:59:00.000+08:00

Feeling tortured. Its like how you know its crumbling and all you can do is watch it become worse. Its all within - and there's no way I can head towards. I can't stand still. I keep moving on the spot. And I'm close to exhaustion.

Christopher's Chaos Theory struck me. Sometimes it just keeps getting worse.

And at this moment, I feel alone again. I'm always alone I guess. Its just how I made myself believe that I'm not.
I succeeded in many instances. But today I failed.

Its a terrible pain. You lose control of everything you once held on to. You know you have to take steps beyond the shallow thoughts to achieve that goal. But sheer idiocy and impulsiveness just leads to rash words and more hurt.

It feels bad to have someone close by and not be able to say anything. Feels worse to be rejected even when you know you won't. Feels terrible when its never gonna work out.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Hide the tears that flow deep within.
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Weak ankles

2010-06-12T14:12:00.000+08:00

I'm trembling, shaking in fear. Casting doubts on all that I believe in.
Dreams that shatter within seconds - like trust crumbling in a blink of an eye.

That's all that was built, all that it was built upon. The foundation was weak, the layers - not strong.
Something fleeting, an endless ovation for magical nothingness. Lusting for pleasure with sheer integrity and vivacious thoughts.

Hurts deep down.
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The Dual Personality

2010-06-03T07:23:00.000+08:00

I feel lighthearted today. I weigh the same. And I'm sure I can carry the same amount of weights. But my heart feels light.

I just figured that, maybe the best way to really set someone free, was to just let them be. Under my watchful eye, I'll be on my guard, ready to catch them when they fall. I hope that would give them the right amount of security, without tying them down too much.

That's all I promise. And that's all I will promise. Because maybe, the best way to really set someone free, is to just relief them of responsibility. I'll be spontaneous, ready to be by them whenever they need me. I hope that would keep reassuring them, without driving them mad.

So I shall live by that. :)

Gary's going into camp today. :) guess he's a lil uptight and anxious. :)
May he find his heart along the path God has laid out for him someday.
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My Quiet Home

2010-06-02T08:45:00.000+08:00

It is seldom that I would experience silence in my home. When there're no qualms of suspicion and threat, no cries of self pity and anger.
I appreciate such moments. Because my home suddenly seems lovely. Clutters of magazines and letters that look serene. Happy photographs that reflect joyous memories and the beautiful part of history.

My dog sleeps soundly in the kitchen, enjoying the morning breeze that streams in with grace. And I hear the sounds of my diligent fan and early birds that sing melodies to welcome in the morning rays. Hiding under my soft pillows, I take small peeks to assure myself what I've just imagined is reality.

How wonderful - this world. I never knew such a moment existed. And now I start to look forward to such a moment at the start of each day.
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Hearty Tuesday

2010-06-01T09:58:00.000+08:00

Today is Tuesday. Its rather different really. It exudes a warm, fuzzy proclamation - that keeps people so calm today. Suddenly no one's rushing. No one's frustrated. No one's unhappy.

It seemed like everyone found their way of life. Like they were contented, like babies fed milk before bed.

The weather on Tuesday is cloudy. It is rather different really. The cloud seems to follow everyone everywhere today, as if it were sheltering them from anything else above. And suddenly no one's hungry, no one speaks of death. No one's afraid.

It seemed like everyone found a new form of freedom. Like they were set free, like doves in the mellow blue skies.

The people on Tuesday are happy. It is rather different really. With heads held high and regular pacing, its as if they took pride of being altogether.

Take heart - such could be the start of a new revolution. Where everyone knows everyone else. Where everyone helps everyone else. Where everyone feels happy - like a man fulfilled with a hearty dinner.

Today is Tuesday. It is rather different really. Because today, is a Hearty Tuesday.
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Cringing

2010-05-24T02:23:00.000+08:00

Sallow tunes, heart wrenching pain; they all came back altogether.
Singing tunes of disgrace, I tremble hard in my shadows.
Hiding, shaking, filled with fear-
Gracious God, how do I remember;
Treading on my painful past-
Across my memories.

Keeping pace, standing tall, I know I might fall again. Helping hands, grateful words, kindness overwhelms my empty heart.

Because such suffering, and pointless games, keeps me up through my slumber.

I'm not sure why, but I feel uncomfortable.
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Loud Remembrance

2010-05-23T21:11:00.000+08:00

Blasting my music to cover my screaming thoughts - I'm thinking so much I can't stop. I sit and stare, wondering what really went wrong.

Forgotten memories and erased ambitions. I gave up too much and achieved too little. Fighting for what I once lost seems meaningful but tormenting.
I wrench in spite as I recall the place of promise and hopes.

Spend some time in my gravity. I want to show you my world. Cause I want to show you how much this world means to me. And how much it will be to you.
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A Change of Heart

2010-05-23T13:59:00.001+08:00

I don't trust myself sometimes I guess - I'd rather seek solace in something or someone else.

But today, I had faith, and I trusted myself completely. And now I know the direction I must take to remain the girl I know myself to be.

Nature shall draw her trails for me to follow, no matter. I'll go wherever she takes me to. (:
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13 hours of rest

2010-05-22T17:07:00.001+08:00

Awakened today by the sound of a familiar voice;
Soothing, calm - it brought me to life.
Short, sweet pauses and kindness filled words;
I felt like an infant, all wrapped up in swirls.

Its a reflection of life, the true meaning exposed. Human beings alike, they love being told - how well they've done, how great they've been, how awesome their love is, how pure their heart and deeds.

I listen with fervor, I want to know more. Curiosity kills me. But I just want it all.
Some times I forget, how time would just fly. And some times I forget, I have more to my life.

So here I am thinking; sighing with deep thoughts. Dwelling in curiosity just keeps you up; strong. I just can't fall deeper, or else I may stall.

Listening with fervor. Holding back thoughts. I know I'll do well, with all that I've got. (:
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Betrayal. Denial.

2010-05-14T03:14:00.000+08:00

Shuffling between the ends of a balancing act, I try hard to push down moments of pure emotions that rush out of my gut. I know my weaknesses and my flaws ever so clearly now - I see them clearer than before.

Convincing myself to take the right track, I always find reasons to stray. Betraying my thoughts and following my hearts seems to be the way to go to stay right.

Fingers numb. Shoulders stiff. Hearts pounding fast.
This is Earth's cruel reality, and the best thing is - it lasts.

My head's throbbing, throat real sore - I feel heavy, pain, and listless. To think a friend could take me as a joke, to make his friends laugh - what a jerk.

Sometimes true sincerity doesn't beget the same. I get it, but it still sucks.
Sleeping now. Busy as can be tomorrow!

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And I could just because I can.

2010-05-13T00:10:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling down. I know that deep under. I don't even know how long I keep up because I'm losing myself with every step I take.
Because I used to say, 'whatever comes our way, we'll see it through".
Now my energy's halved. I'm not sure how I'm even walking again. haha.

I'm probably PMS-ing. Things around me just don't interest me much anymore. I hate being alone. And I'm not sure where I'm headed towards right now.

Feeling wasted and so queasy. I just wished I could close my eyes and see a cup of Jumbo Yami Yoghurt appear right before me to brighten up my day. Too bad - I'll have to get it myself.

Listening to songs alone in the room, I never knew life could feel this way. I'm really blessed to have new friends come my way and encourage me. (: Really grateful for them.
I'm even more grateful for the friends who stood by me all the way no matter what decisions I made.
I'll pick myself up. But I know it's gonna take longer than I know.

Dolor

2010-05-11T08:54:00.001+08:00

I felt like I was on my death bed today. Felt like I was living my last day on Earth.
Every single sight I took in shook me hard. Every thought I embraced made my eyes well up.

The only way to make it stay, would be to hold on. Because only then will I truly understand - the healing grace of God.

Heal me. In time I know I will be

Because its me

2010-05-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

Fondling with my heart, I sometimes shake out vivid memories once lost deep down within me. Self discovery has always been a great source of motivation; but rediscovery brings motivation to a whole new level.

It puts me under great distress, to resolve the confusion that arises due to conflict between your new discovery and what you once knew. Sometimes you even realise, such differences may be the cause of unhappiness, and the change that was discovered on the road of self discovery.

But because its me, I know I will face it no matter how tough it may be. I know I may waver, but regaining composure is just as easy.
Because its me, I trust that I will.
Because its me, I know that I must.
Because its me, I want, so I can.

Because its me.

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Scrapbook Joy

2010-05-06T12:27:00.001+08:00

I didn't realize how late it was already until I happened to glance at the clock at 5.
Turned my head a little and freaked out at the face printed on the cover of my sister's latest book collection: "Serial Killers".

Clutching the glue stick tighter, and rubbing it off the back of the picture I just cut from 'Asian Divers', I was determined to make the mark of 12 chapters before I went to bed.

Bus tickets, gift wrappers, silly manuals, photos, and scribbles. Each of them had a story to tell. Like the flyer I designed for Vertex. Or the PADI sticker I got from my Diving Instructor Bryan Knight.

To me, the best way to bring memories back ever so vividly, was to tell the story of these little snippets of paper and pieces that we were always so oblivious to.
They seem real worthless just hanging around the house; but become precious when they're placed together. :)

I'll take my time to complete it I guess. And I'll want to be the person to pen down the stories, each and everyone of them - just like penning down the love stories for every item in the book.

That will be my love story; and my life story. (:

*a late post for 5th May 2010.

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Throbbing Pain

2010-05-06T01:06:00.000+08:00

My head's throbbing real hard right now. And my mum's going insane again.
Her curfew hours are crazy. And she is crazier.

Hurling abusive words and threats are just the tip of the iceberg.
Then comes the violent actions and abuse.
Words that strike like knives sharp and fresh. Violence that leave painful memories on the heart and flesh.

No where to turn to, no voice to scream - my brain throbs intensely as I force myself to calm down. Sometimes I wish she would love me more - love me sweetly and hold me dear. Now I force myself to sleep - clinging on hopes and living in fear.

What pain and torture - my mum's overbearing love and treacherous philosophies. Demanding absolute command and domination in my life, when I know I have my decisions to make.

My heart's slowly shredding away. And its always suffering that hurts more than death. Mustering courage and enduring the pain, I pull away from my home I fear most. How crazy it is to find myself safe, in a place where danger lurks in the human heart.

Dwelling in self pity and suppressing my pain, I split my thoughts up and let live, yet another day.
Maybe tomorrow's better and today will end great. Self consolation works, mostly in solace.

I long for protection. I yearn for peace. A shoulder to cry on in times of need. Right now I look towards Brutes and I really wonder - how much secrets have I told him when all are in slumber?
I desire the time when I can wake up and sleep, in comfort, love and heartwarming peace.
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The Gregarious Lover - a love letter.

2010-05-03T08:55:00.001+08:00

24 months, and a couple of days and hours. It feels delightful to have had someone
remain faithful and had his attention and love showered on you ever so graciously.

Maybe this wasn't a feeling of love. It was something greater, a lil more subtle in expression, much stronger in spirit.
I still remember the triangle drawn, with us sitting at the 2 far ends, aiming to reach the last point at the peak - to understand one another better.
That really brought us closer.

2 years: reminded me about my journey through self discovery.
He taught me love, in the purest of forms. Where hand in hands was sincere care;
Where embraces were true concern.
Where kind words were life transforming;
Where meticulous deeds showed love.

It may have been the longest journey I've ever taken with someone so dear, and I'm kinda lovin' every second of it.

Because he's endearing, so faithful and loving; I know I'll never live to regret it.

I love you; my gregarious darling. :) May you always stay strong and by my side.

Happy Anniversary Gary!

P.S I guess I have to learn to love right. And express it right.
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Gasps of survival

2010-04-30T07:44:00.001+08:00

My mum woke up today angry. She was upset. And she tried to chase me out of the house too.

It hurt badly. Never felt this bad. But I guess she hurts too.

Pretty tired and upset. Feel no need in studying already. My mum sees no hope or point in me.
Why move on when the one who was there to support you suddenly starts to leave you?
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Leaving home.

2010-04-29T23:49:00.002+08:00

My brother just packed his luggage and left.
I even helped him close the door and turn off the switches in his room.
It hurt - felt like there was another piece torn from my family again.

My brother is an arsehole I guess. That's possibly the only relevant adjective I can use to describe him.
He's utterly selfish and insane. He feels like the whole world owes him something, and that he was like, the smartest ass on earth, that everyone had to worship one day.

He had a heated argument with my mommy the moment he entered the house. Started to rain all sorts of colorful vulgarities over the house.
It was madness. It was painful. And I guess he just didn't see it.
My mum was just trying to tell him - that she just wanted him to appreciate his house, and treat it like his home.
But he was so concerned about my mum trying to control him and restrict him that he flew into a rage without thought.
That's what I call imbecile.

At the age of 23. Without even a diploma. Holding a lousy 'O' Level score.
And he dares to threaten my mum - that she would regret ever chasing him out of the house when she didn't.
He was the one who did.

I guess his heart was never with us anyway.
It's really painful to me too.
Knowing that a brother so dear has gone to another family.
Maybe he just couldn't feel that connection anymore.
Maybe he just needed more.
But I guess all we ever needed from him, was a little more understanding and patience.

Wherever that wise discerning chap went,
I hope he finds his way home soon. His real home.

An Early Mothers' Day Dedication

2010-04-29T07:32:00.001+08:00

I woke up at 6 today and realised how much more comforted I felt when I saw my mum the moment I opened my eyes today.
Somehow or another, she brings me warmth and encourages me to start my day immediately with ease, even though she was still fast asleep.

Now I guess everyone needs their mother. And they probably receive different forms of security and affection from them. Her presence seem to bring me much emotional satisfaction. :)

Well, I must have been too blind to have seen how much she has loved me all this while. But none the less, I'm determined to love her more as I grow older. Now its rather senseless, but I finally found out why they always say "You'll understand when you get older." - I used to just say it for the sake of feeling older and more mature; but now I really do.

Its that form of stress and anxiety when you're not sure what time someone you love will get home.
The same form of insecurity when you don't receive a call from your loved one for a very long time.
The same confusion and curiosity when you don't know where your loved one is, and whether he/she's safe.
Its the same form of self sacrifice that you offer to someone you love, even though you know they may not understand your agony or situation.

I guess that's it. I often ask myself - how does mommy express her love to her children? She's always upset, disappointed, frustrated, anxious and makes seemingly unreasonable demands. But I guess that's how she is. That's how she loves us. And she'd never share her pain and agony no matter how much she feels it.

Now that's my mum. :) She's absolutely awesome. I love her. And I know she's just one of the many great mum's on earth today. :)

Happy Mothers' Day to all the mommy's in the world. May you always love us the way you do. :)
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Random

2010-04-27T22:02:00.001+08:00

It has been a long time since I touched a project again. Or maybe its just one month. But gosh, I seem to have lost touch.

The interview today was really long. I wasn't sure if what I said really made sense. But when Ian and Joehan took down notes, I know I've said something right. Most of all, I kept Mrs Sharpe interested. That's probably all that matters right? :)

I know which position I somehow would like to take on. But I know I was just not in any position to make a choice. So I'm now leaving it in God's hands that he may lead me to the right path. Wherever he places me onto, I will follow. :)

Meanwhile. School has been really fast. I'm already in my second week out of 16 weeks. How quick is that. Omg.

Back home and ready to work! :) hooray! :) I know I will and need to do well again! :)
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Oppressed - Depressed

2010-04-25T00:54:00.001+08:00

Utterly oppressed, I feel suffocated.
Sometimes looking too far, seems to make me feel shortsighted.
I feel handicapped, whenever I shut my eyes and listen to my head speak.
When I clasp my hands together, I know I'm going in circles.
My words fall short on emotions, as I open my mouth to speak.
And yet the thoughts that provoked such action, cradles me to sleep.
I thank the skies for crying - through the days of heartache.
I loved the sun for beating - those nasty days of bleak.
Now trudging on in weakness, I barely feel my feet.
How often would I fight for thee, when the head would claim victory?
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The Start. The Craze. The End.

2010-04-15T01:42:00.002+08:00

It was an ultimatum. The most entertaining and mind-blowing end to the most hyped up event of the year.
That is how I would like to describe the third day of the BA Orientation Convention.

I loved the people. Loved the stayovers and the late nights. Loved the process. and I especially loved the end - it kinda marked something special.

I'm looking forward pretty much to my next event already.

Genting was really relaxing. Long naps, short spurts of craziness, lots of romance, and food! :D
Such moments are short lived, but I really enjoyed them.

I DIDN'T SCREAM ON THE ROLLERCOASTERS TOO! (hooray! x))
gary did! :P

Now it's back to the hectic lifestyle of Ngee Ann. May the last year be a success! :D

Orientation at its peak

2010-04-03T23:49:00.002+08:00

It's crazy how human relationships work.
How they never have enough time to care for one another, or make that effort to do it.
Its like how they always lack that faith to trust each other enough, or take the bonds that took so long to establish so lightly.
It's hurtful.

I admit. I'm one of those idiots who ignore these fragile bonds in the heat of the moment and start screaming at the top of my lungs. But gosh, the human hearts are devious. Ever so devious.

Maybe politics will never stray away from such complications. But these people suck. They just need to learn how to listen. When people make the effort to listen to them, they have to make the effort to acknowledge that, and listen to the people who once listened too.

Its just that simple - but I have no idea why it just seems so complicated right here.

I'm just glad that God blessed me with my team of marvelleous people. :) They really make my days go by with ease and peace. :) Success to all! :D weee~